Government weighing up pros and cons of ebola virus

DAVID Cameron has set up a Cabinet committee to decide if ebola is a bad thing.

The prime minister urged people not to panic and stressed that viruses like ebola are ‘exotic and intriguing’.

He said: “It’s all too easy to demonise a virus that melts your insides.”

Mr Cameron said the government would set up a large, interactive map which would chart the spread of the disease and make it much easier to spot any ‘interesting clusters’.

He added: “Let’s give it a month.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “Viruses tend to spread quicker in areas of high population density and sub-standard housing conditions. They tend to affect the sort of people who have poor nutrition, compromised immune systems and have yet to notice an increase in their spending power, despite Britain’s robust economic growth.

“So, you know, wash your hands.”

Downing Street said the ebola committee will be made-up of chancellor George Osborne and the hunched maniac who brings him his cheeseburgers.


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UK to get referendum on opening Pandora’s box

BRITONS are expected to vote in favour of opening a box containing unspeakable evil.

Pandora’s box, previously thought to be mythical, was recently found in the vaults of the British Museum along with a note saying ‘For fuck’s sake, do not open this!’ in ancient Greek.

Uncertainty about whether to open the box has led the government to leave the decision to the public, after brief ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ campaigns.

Sales manager Donna Sheridan said: “The so-called experts say the box is full of evil, but in my experience boxes are usually full of chocolates or shoes.

“I say open it, because these ‘experts’ are probably just after lucrative research grants like they got for making up global warming and polar bears.”

Plumber Roy Hobbs said: “Apparently we shouldn’t open the box because it contains war, famine and pestilence. If you ask me, it’s just the health-and-safety brigade trying to wrap us up in cotton wool as usual.

“The fact is, you don’t know if you like something till you try it. I didn’t think I’d like golf, but now I play every weekend. It’s probably the same with pestilence, whatever that is.”

A government spokesman said Pandora’s Box would be opened by David Cameron during an extended edition of The National Lottery Live featuring The Saturdays.