Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you come across Richard Dawkins in a computer room, repeatedly playing the advert where the kid asked ‘Daddy or chips?’.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Given their slide back into obscurity, the fact the Ting Tings’ only hit was about somebody not knowing the singer’s name seems especially ironic. 

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’re halfway through telling your boss what a terrible human being they are before you realise that you may have misunderstood the purpose of ‘dress down’ Friday.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’re not sure what your dying wish will be, but there’s a good chance it’ll be that you weren’t dying.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Caciocavallo Podolico cheese, made in the hills of Southern Italy from the milk of wild cows, is incredibly rare, with just 1kg made every season.  And makes a fucking lousy cheese on toast.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
It’s a sign of your growing maturity as you approach middle age that your workplace nickname has stopped referring to your tits and started referring to your droopy arse. Progress, of a kind.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’ve got to hold and give, but do it at the right time. You can be slow or fast, but you must get to the line. They’ll always hit you and hurt you, defend and attack. There’s only one way to beat them, get round the back. Or get your arses handed to you in the quarter finals. Y’know, whatever works for you.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The only thing that can stop the chaos in Gaza is your drunken opinion on the situation and the platform for the world to hear it is over a pissed Sunday lunch. Now write your name into history.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You’ve done a lot of good work in the local community recently. Just 120 hours to go before you can hand the orange jumpsuit back.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
On Sunday you rehearse for putting flea drops on your cat by trying to apply oil to the teeth of a working chainsaw.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Nutritionists always recommend that you should watch what you eat, but that’s going to be harder than it sounds with a staggering overbite like yours.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You didn’t adjust the cooking time for a fan-assisted oven. This meth’s ruined.

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Usain Bolt not leaving Scotland alive, confirm officials

GLASGOW’S Commonwealth Games officials have confirmed that Usain Bolt is a dead man walking.

Following claims Bolt described the games as “a bit shit”, organisers said the athlete was fucked unless he could run across the sea.

A games spokesman said: “He’s proving difficult to catch but sooner or later he’ll have to show up at an airport.

“At which point Mr Bolt will be invited into the back of a van and taken to a flat-roofed pub on a big estate.

“There he will be given an opportunity to share his thoughts on the games, and Scotland in general, with our specially-appointed feedback committee of Stewie, Big Barry and Fuckface.

“They are always interested to meet cocky, loud-mouthed visitors in tight shorts.”