Knife Carriers To Be Shown Round Spoon Factories

YOUNG people who carry knives are to be sent on a series of educational outings, taking in hospitals, Madame Tussauds and a spoon factory.

Ministers have pledged to get tough on knife crime with a series of 'shock tactics' designed to hammer home the message that carrying a knife will not result in an automatic prison sentence.

Home secretary Jacqui Smith, said: "The hospital visit will let them see how traumatised the victims are, especially when they come face to face, once again, with a crazed, knife carrying thug.

"Madame Tussauds will help everyone wind down after the stress of the A&E department, and then it's on to the spoon factory where they will not only discover how spoons are made, but how spoons can be used to bring communities together."

Ms Smith also rejected calls for automatic jail terms, adding: "I really do not see the point of locking up thousands of knife-wielding maniacs, just because they want to kill people."

But the Tories have attacked the government's plans, insisting the best way to educate young people about knife crime is to stab them.

Tom Logan, Tory frontbench crime spokesman, said: "For a first offence I would stab them in the arm, just above the elbow.

"Repeat offenders would be strapped to a large, spinning wheel and I would throw knives at them while wearing a blindfold."

He added: "I'm not very good at it, so they are bound to get seriously injured."

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Mckellen Threatened By Orcs

POLICE investigating a series of death threats against the actor Sir Ian McKellen now believe they were made by Orcs. 

The severed head of a goblin was left on the doorstep of the star's London home last week with a note attached saying 'You're next, Hobbit fiddler'.

Orc faeces were pushed through his letterbox and 'Gandalf shags midget arse' and 'Fuck off back to the Shire' spray-painted on the front door.

Two ugly fanged humanoids were seen running away from the house, and a series of abusive calls later that night were traced to a phonebox at the Black Gate of Mordor.

Tolkein scholar Julian Cook said the Orcs were targeting Sir Ian in revenge for his role in defeating the armies of the Dark Lord Sauran at the Battle of the Pelennor Fields.

Mr Cook said: "Sauran's like 'I'm going to kick your arses and get your Ring and stuff' and he's got these totally fucked-up fighting elephant things, and the Orcs are going mental on everyone.

"Then Sir Ian stands up, and he's all 'fucking hell Hobbits, we are totally getting creamed here' and he just nails the top Orc with some vodoo wizard shit, and everyone charges in, and there are bits of Orc everywhere."

Despite this, Sir Ian is blaming the threats on a bigoted section of Middle Earth society unable to come to terms with his sexuality.

He said: "I fought for ten days to slay the Balrog, but do they call me the Balrog Slayer? No.

"But you fuck one hobbit…"