Language evolving but not in a good way

ENGLISH is evolving in the wrong direction thanks to the internet, text messaging and social media.

The Institute for Studies found that internet users are either guessing at the meanings of words, abbreviating sentences to a list of initials or simply hitting keys at random while hoping for the best.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It sounds exciting to say language is evolving, especially if you’ve just written a stupid pop sociology book or a shit Arts Council-funded play in ‘text-speak’.

“But here ‘evolving’ is really just a euphemism for ‘going to tits’.

“Unless humans develop psychic abilities, society will soon collapse and we’ll be sitting in caves unable to explain that a furry quadruped is killing our woolly things.”

Linguist Donna Sheridan said: “There can never be one truly definitive set of spellings or definitions.

“However, if I see one more person write ‘loose’ when they mean ‘lose’ I’m going to fucking top myself.”

Office worker Tom Logan said: “It’s all very well for some university anaemic to sit in his ivory horse and tell everyone else they’re inveterate.

“I bet he knows jack off about the real world, roflol roflol.”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Assange 'doing a dangerous amount of masturbation'

Julian Assange may wank himself to death, sources at the Ecuadorian embassy have warned.

A source said: “Julian is left alone in a room all day with nothing to do except go on the internet.

“He’s a man so prizes for guessing what he gets up to.

“Small wonder he looks like an Edwardian etching about the dangers of excessive self-abuse.”