ENGLISH is evolving in the wrong direction thanks to the internet, text messaging and social media.
The Institute for Studies found that internet users are either guessing at the meanings of words, abbreviating sentences to a list of initials or simply hitting keys at random while hoping for the best.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It sounds exciting to say language is evolving, especially if you’ve just written a stupid pop sociology book or a shit Arts Council-funded play in ‘text-speak’.
“But here ‘evolving’ is really just a euphemism for ‘going to tits’.
“Unless humans develop psychic abilities, society will soon collapse and well be sitting in caves unable to explain that a furry quadruped is killing our woolly things.
Linguist Donna Sheridan said: “There can never be one truly definitive set of spellings or definitions.
“However, if I see one more person write loose when they mean lose Im going to fucking top myself.
Office worker Tom Logan said: Its all very well for some university anaemic to sit in his ivory horse and tell everyone else theyre inveterate.
“I bet he knows jack off about the real world, roflol roflol.