YOUR choice of ice lolly reveals your personality on a deep and profound level.
As the heatwave continues, now is the time to visit your local corner shop for a frozen, phallic object on a stick. But your lolly choice is about much more than your preference for orangey things. It is a window onto your innermost being.
Feasts are the workhouse of the lolly world – solid, dependable, could possibly pull a plough. But few realise the Feast was created by 12th-century mystics, for whom the soft not-quite-ice-cream exterior represented the physical body while the hard chocolate pellet inside is the eternal soul. Thus the Feast lover has hidden depths and may possess magical powers.
Calippos are well-known for having the look and texture of a dog’s penis. The message for Calippo-lovers could not be clearer – stay away from attractive dogs.
Twisters actually glow in the dark, and were designed by the US army to provide emergency lighting in underground combat situations. In America they are still known by their original name of ‘Tunnel Sticks’. Thus it is the ‘warrior’s lolly’.
Magnum (normal or limited edition)
You are a calculating psychopath who craves the social status that only a boutique cream snack costing three quid can confer. Your luxurious home is entirely covered with brown leather and during your spare time you like to writhe around with a massive snake making sex noises.
Mr Freeze ‘Ice Pops’
You are calm, tenacious, and quite prepared to gnaw at a highly resilient condom-like exterior, swallowing some plastic in the process, to achieve a fairly disappointing result.
You were a sickly child and now you crave sickly things.
You are a small child and should probably not be reading this.