Learning to drive 'no excuse for not being good at driving'

LEARNER drivers have no excuse for not being very good at driving, other road users have claimed.

Motorist Roy Hobbs is furious at learner drivers and believes their lack of confidence should qualify as a crime.

Hobbs said: “They think they’re special because of those ‘L’ plates, like it gives them some sort of excuse for being slow at roundabouts and having the wide frightened eyes of a prey animal.

“Apparently they’re having ‘driving lessons’. But why do they need these lessons? It’s because they’re morons.

“The roads are no place to learn to drive. If you can’t handle me being right up your arse in my company car, flashing my lights and making a slightly outdated ‘dickhead’ hand gesture, then just give it up and get a horse.”

He added: “I just knew how do drive naturally, like a fish released into a lake.”

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What does your ice lolly say about you?

YOUR choice of ice lolly reveals your personality on a deep and profound level.

As the heatwave continues, now is the time to visit your local corner shop for a frozen, phallic object on a stick. But your lolly choice is about much more than your preference for orangey things. It is a window onto your innermost being.

Feast/Mint Feast

Feasts are the workhouse of the lolly world – solid, dependable, could possibly pull a plough. But few realise the Feast was created by 12th-century mystics, for whom the soft not-quite-ice-cream exterior represented the physical body while the hard chocolate pellet inside is the eternal soul. Thus the Feast lover has hidden depths and may possess magical powers.

Calippo

Calippos are well-known for having the look and texture of a dog’s penis. The message for Calippo-lovers could not be clearer – stay away from attractive dogs.

Twister

Twisters actually glow in the dark, and were designed by the US army to provide emergency lighting in underground combat  situations. In America they are still known by their original name of ‘Tunnel Sticks’. Thus it is the ‘warrior’s lolly’.

Magnum (normal or limited edition)

You are a calculating psychopath who craves the social status that only a boutique cream snack costing three quid can confer. Your luxurious home is entirely covered with brown leather and during your spare time you like to writhe around with a massive snake making sex noises.

Mr Freeze ‘Ice Pops’

You are calm, tenacious, and quite prepared to gnaw at a highly resilient condom-like exterior, swallowing some plastic in the process, to achieve a fairly disappointing result.

Solero

You were a sickly child and now you crave sickly things.

Mini Milk

You are a small child and should probably not be reading this.