List of people almost given the chance to turn down honours leaked

A SECRET government list of those not quite important enough to be offered an honour they would then not accept has been published.

It includes the names of such insufficiently seminal figures as Tony Parsons, the artists Gilbert and George, and Janet Street Porter.

Parsons said: “I would have handed the award straight back because I am ideologically opposed to that sort of thing.

“Especially a paltry CBE. However I might, just might, have hypothetically considered the far superior Companionship of Honour.

“Probably not though. I am a lefty.”

Janette Krankie, who was almost sufficiently high-profile to knock back an honour said: “I reject the meaningless bauble and the values it enshrines, regardless of how it would make Americans want to buy me expensive dinners.

“Or rather I will reject it, in the unlikely event I’m ever offered it. Which I never will be.”

She added: “Although if I turned it down, that may be construed as pride masked by humility.

“So I would maybe accept it and them send it back, giving the less cliched impression of ‘pride redeemed by guilt’.

“Gosh, this is such a challenging hypothetical decision.”

 

 

 

 

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Werewolf!

STAY off the moors, yokels have warned.

The discovery of mutilated animal carcasses in rural Gloucestershire has prompted local speculation that tonight’s full moon may be an evil one.

Club-footed farm hand Tom Logan, who knows of such things, said: “What lurks in yonder darkness is neither man, nor beast. It is a thing of the devil that loves naught but blood, and has no place on this earth.”

Logan, whose grandmother Peg had the second sight, added: “Only a fool would venture out tonight.”

The alleged werewolf is most probably the result of a curse placed on a local aristocrat by a vengeful witch.

Barmaid Emma Bradford said: “The old folk reckon his lordship’s seventh son – no, I am not to speak of this, not to outsiders.

“You must leave now. Drink your drink and go.”

Apprentice blacksmith Stephen Malley has to cross the moors tonight if he is to catch the morning train to London.

He said: “I feel a certain amount of trepidation, yet I have little choice but to travel this evening.

“I have promised to buy a Ministry of Sound Beach House CD for my cousin Nell’s birthday.”