PATRICE Evra has hired bodyguards to deal with loveable Liverpool rogues good-naturedly threatening to kill him.
Liverpool are set to host Manchester United tomorrow afternoon in a cup tie that has promised such high levels of humorous banter that all police leave in the region has been cancelled.
Members of the general public living near the ground have been warned that there may be random outbreaks of large groups of men just having a bit of a laugh and a joke. Police have also stated that a badly-aimed chorus of Ferry Across The Mersey can have somebody’s eye out.
Evra said: “Smalling and Jones are going to be replaced by ex-SAS officers to try and fend off the thousands of fans that might want to run onto the pitch to share a delicious bon mot whilst spitting playfully in my face.
“Games between Liverpool and United are always highly witty affairs but this one has the potential to be dangerously hilarious.”
Evra will be targeted by Liverpool’s 40,000 jokers during the match after he provoked Luis Suarez by being present during their previous game against each other, a fact that many fans are expected to remind him of using a variety of colourful phrases.
The kick off has been moved to 1245 in a bid to reduce the amount of ‘joviality juice’ the Liverpool fans can manage to consume before the game and the United fans will remain in the ground for an hour after the game ends to ensure their sides aren’t split with mirth on the way to the train station.
Evra added: “The fans may also wish to remember that I’m French. I’m sure they can do something with that.”