Little shit submits revised list two days before Christmas

A FIVE-year-old has announced that she no longer wants the toys that ‘Santa’ has already bought her.

With 48 hours to go, Kelly Howard has completely changed her mind about every single thing on the list she wrote to Father Christmas at the beginning of the month.

She said: “Back then I was well into Barbie dolls but now I hate them and so I really, really need some Lego, a cat and a toy kitchen.

“I also asked for a remote control car but I changed my mind about that now too because Jack from my class said they’re rubbish.

“My mum said it is too late to change my mind because Santa will have already wrapped the presents I asked for.

“So I reminded her that Santa is magic and that if he can deliver presents to every single child in the world in one night he can turn a few Barbies into Lego. That seemed to shut her up.”

Kelly’s mum, Emma Howard said: “She has got to learn that you don’t always get everything you want in life and also, is Argos open on Christmas Eve?”

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Jamie Oliver's guide to the perfect sanctimonious Christmas

Christmas is a time of year for maximum smugness. It’s all about being with the family and making them feel like shit about their choices. Here’s how to get the most amount of judgement into the shortest amount of time. Cushty.

Get vocal with vino
If someone brought wine, make sure you squint at the label like a geriatric at a smartphone before reading out the details in a patronising tone. If the vino’s your own, read the bastard out loud in your smuggest Cutter’s Choice (voice). Double whammy. Bosh.

Bring an exotic bird in
Nothing says ‘I’m better than you’ than presenting your guests with some fucked-up bird – like a grouse. If they ask for turkey, tell ‘em to take a walk.They’ll absolutely bloody love it.

Swap cracker toys… for some crackin’ tips
Toys and Christmas go together like sprouts and salami. What your guests need is some proper advice about nutrition, so stick it up their crackers with a tip in each. For extra points, personalise them.