London in 2012 promises unamazing, believable experiences

THE end of London 2012 has triggered the return of London in 2012, a work-themed occasion offering all-of-a-lifetime experiences.

London in 2012 offers events including Going to Work, Working Fucking Hard and Returning from Work.

Commenting on his time of  58 minutes commuting from Chigwell to Lancaster Gate, civil servant Wayne Hayes said, “What can I say? It’s like a dream come true.

“Specifically, the dream where I am trapped by an onerous mortgage in a soulless job from which there will be no respite until I am practically dead.

“I’d like to thank my mum, my dad, all my family, my teachers for always believing that this is the life I’d land up in and encouraging me to aim for about the middle.”

Donna Sheridan, a 46 year old bookkeeper said, “What got me, coming down the Mall, across London Bridge was the way the crowds weren’t pulling for you.

“I could tell from the way a woman swore at me after she’d bumped into me while texting just how much she cared about me achieving my goals.”

IT network analyst Roy Hobbs said: “It’s possible to put into words. A miserable, grey, churlish, ugly, sprawling, spirit-sucking, fetid, carcinogenic craphole, a rat’s maze with all the charm of a loading bay.

“Wish I was in Paris.”

“Perhaps it’s time to stop living vicariously via wiry men in shorts, throw the telly out the window and move somewhere sunny with trees.”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Naive young grouse excited about 'grouse season'

JUVENILE grouse Tom Logan is eagerly anticipating the forthcoming ‘grouse season’.

As the grouse season begins, Logan, who is less than a year old, believes there will be a host of fun events of specialist interest to grouse.

He said: “There’s probably going to be a big exhibition called ‘Grouseworld’ with stalls selling delicious vegetation and insects, fairground rides and flying displays. It’s like a big celebration of grouse that goes on for months.

“There aren’t many species lucky enough to get their own season. I’m not even sure why we were singled out for it. I suppose everyone just likes grouse.”

Logan’s mother, Emma Bradford, a veteran of two grouse seasons, said: “Perhaps we should have been more honest with him.

“I remember when I first found out about the season. I was like, ‘what…the…fuck’. Things are never really the same after that, even throughout the rest of the year it’s hard to properly relax.”