Londoners wonder if this living hell is worth it to be slightly ahead on food trends

LONDONERS are considering whether living in a nightmarish urban dystopia is worth it just to enjoy food crazes two months early.

As everyone in London continues to be angry and paranoid, residents of the capital consoled themselves that they got buttermilk chicken several weeks before the provinces.

31-year-old teacher Norman Steele said: “Every day here is a struggle, a loaf of bread is a fiver, the air tastes of lorries and if I collapsed on the pavement they would just build a juice bar on me.

“But on the other hand, we had pulled pork way back in 2015 and Bristol hasn’t even got massive milkshakes yet. So, swings and roundabouts.”

Brixton-based Donna Sheridan said: “I went to visit my cousin in Cardiff, and although they don’t live in a constant state of grinding hyper-anxiety I was shocked to see that down here tapas is still ‘a thing’.

“They didn’t even know that this is going to be the year of the taco, and are openly suspicious of avocado on sourdough.

“Some of them drink instant coffee with sugar in it. I couldn’t live like that.”

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Utter dickhead wants to know why his relationships keep going wrong

A DICKHEAD does not understand why women keep dumping him.

Marketing executive Tom Logan cannot understand why women keep dumping him despite constantly doing things that are insensitive, selfish or just weird.

Friend Martin Bishop said: “Tom always comes to me for advice when he’s been chucked, then reveals he’s done something dickish like saying he prefers women with larger breasts.

“I felt really sorry for him when Emma dumped him but it turned out he’d always leave immediately after having sex and go back to his own flat for ‘a proper night’s kip’.

“He used to treat another girlfriend as a free taxi service, and would make her watch Jason Statham films at the cinema.”

Logan said: “I’ve had a lot of bad luck with relationships, like Suzi who wouldn’t lend me £3,000 to buy a car even though we could have done romantic things like stopping for sex on long, boring journeys.

“Part of the problem is that I’m too sensitive. If someone’s got issues like being stressed at work or a bereavement I can’t listen to them because it makes me too sad.

“I’d definitely be up for a threesome if someone offered to buy me a Playstation.”