Man spends ages in wine aisle in desperate bid to feel sophisticated

A MAN who wasted half an hour looking at wine eventually chose the bottle with the nicest label, he has confirmed.

Nathan Muir loitered in the wine aisle at his local Waitrose reading the back of several bottles even though he really wanted to buy a six-pack of Carling and ‘a lot of Monster Munch’.

Muir said: “I’ve got this vague bullshit notion that as a modern man I should have some knowledge about wine that goes beyond the fact that mixing red and white does not make rosé.

“I thought that if I stood around in the wine aisle some of the sophistication would rub off on me and I would meet a clever, sexy woman, but neither of those things happened.

“I just read a load of complete shit about woody undertones that made me feel both strangely inadequate and incredibly irritated.”

Muir added: “All there really is to know is that white wine tastes like piss and red wine tastes like vinegar. But everyone is impressed if it there’s an old fashioned drawing of a fancy French house on the label.”

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Middle aged man takes to Facebook like a duck to the M25

A MIDDLE aged man has taken to Facebook like a duck trying to waddle across the M25 during rush hour.

Bill McKay, from Stevenage, set up a Facebook page with the help of his son and, after adding everyone who had the same surname ‘just in case they were related’, decided it was ‘time to settle some old scores’.

McKay said: “I haven’t spoken to my brother Dan in ages but he’s on this thing as well so I added him and we both wished each other a Happy New Year and said we should meet up for a pint sometime.

“Then I remembered why we fell out as he owed me £100 for some work I did on his house so I wrote on his wall, ‘ALSO WHEN AM I GETTING THAT HUNDRED QUID YOU OWE ME?’.

“Then we started arguing and all kinds of people I don’t even know got involved and it all became very unpleasant, very quickly. What’s a ‘cockwomble’?

“The weird thing is, when I woke up today my page was gone.”

McKay’s son Paul added: “I knew his password so I shut down his account. If he ever asks what happened I’ll say ‘the internet did it’. It’s best for everyone.”