Love each other, say departing free plastic bags

FREE plastic bags have issued a message of solidarity and respect before going home to deep space. 

The bags, which first arrived on Earth in the 1960s, are enjoying their final day as humanity’s companions and servants before embarking on their cosmic voyage. 

A bag spokesman said: “We will always cherish the time we spent by the side of the people of England. Be strong and live in peace.

“Holding your shopping, your household waste and your packed lunches has been an honour, and we thank you for our palatial accommodation in drawers and cupboards. 

“At midnight we shall rise up from our earthbound existence and, pausing only to rescue our fellows stuck in trees, spiral into the heavens. 

“Farewell. We love you all, apart from those of you who used us for sexual gratification.”

The departure leaves England facing a bag crisis after paper bags died out in the 1970s apart from the rare breeds used for high-end shopping. 

The country now has no choice but to use paid-for plastic bags, despite the knowledge that they will one day use the 5ps they are hoarding to bring about humanity’s downfall. 

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Getting served at the bar confirmed as Olympic sport

‘GETTING served’ is to be an event at the 2020 Tokyo Olympics.

The new event has been warmly welcomed by British sports fans for its combination of limited physical exertion, drink and thinly-veiled hostility.

42-year-old Tom Logan said: “The European Getting Served Championships last month was a triumph.

“I’ll never forget coming away from the bar with a tray full of Stellas while the French and Italian contestants were still stranded behind a couple feeling each other up.

“After you’ve got the drinks you’ve just got to literally push through, and keep pushing. Otherwise you end up stood there for ages, feeling like a twat.”

Britain’s bar elite are expected to up their training schedule, which includes full-contact elbowing, apologetic eyebrow raising and lunging from distances of up to 20 metres with a £10 note.