Love Hearts legally binding

THE High Court has ruled that any exchange of Love Hearts sweets constitutes a legal contract.

Judges ruling in the case of Donna Sheridan vs Wayne Hayes found that he had, as she maintained, entered into obligations to call her, give her a sweet kiss and to be gorgeous.

Hayes, now 24 and married with a child, fulfilled none of those promises. He must now go on a date with Donna to the local park where, after a mandatory three swigs of Mad Dog 20/20, he is obliged to snog her.

LawyerSusan Traherne said: “There’s always been a degree of ambiguity surrounding Love Hearts which has been exploited to make promises of For Keeps and Heart Throb to which the giver had no intention of adhering.

“This ruling, which is retrospective and covers the last 30 years, means that teenage boys will no longer be able to claim giving a girl Cuddle Me was just the luck of the packet.

“It also means that Julian Cook is obligated to take me, 23 years on, to the school disco and to do the Macarena with me on the dancefloor. And he has to get off with me afterwards or I will issue proceedings.”

The ruling has caused widespread panic, with anyone over 25 struggling to remember who exactly they gave Lush Lips, Dream Boy, Catch Me or Tickle Monster.

The UK’s teenagers remain largely unaffected, preferring to use What’s App and Snapchat to send each other sexually explicit images.

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Everything 'Orwellian', say idiots

THE misuse of ‘Orwellian’ risks making the adjective utterly meaningless, experts have warned.

Academics believe that people who have never read 1984 or Animal Farm are using the term to describe absolutely anything they dislike.

English professor Julian Cook said: “The word ‘Orwellian’ refers to totalitarian control of the individual by the use of propaganda, surveillance and violence. It is nothing to do with having to put your recycling out.

“Similarly, speed cameras are not ‘Orwellian’. Winston Smith does not spend 1984 trying to weasel out of a £75 fine for doing 70 on the A12.

“Even CCTV isn’t really Orwellian, because merely being filmed in public does not result in you having a cage full of hungry rats put on your head.

“It’s also incorrect to use the term to describe anything loosely connected with the state. People may not like the licence fee, but I suspect having to cough up £145 to see Doctor Who is better than living in North Korea.”

Professor Cook added that Orwell would not have seen ‘political correctness’ as Orwellian, and would probably not have considered the right to use words like ‘bird’ and ‘poof’ as a valuable freedom.