Apple supermarket to sell sleek tech-beans

APPLE has retaliated against Tesco’s tablet computer by opening a minimalist supermarket selling forward-thinking foods.

AppleMart’s flagship product is a tin of beans with an intuitive ringpull and tomato sauce that connects the consumer’s tongue to a range of social media.

The store occupies a vast warehouse space but only has six products including the beans and a tiny green ball called an iLettuce, which are displayed on perspex plinths.

Apple acolyte Nikki Hollis said: “I paid £30 for a trolley but after reading the terms and conditions it appeared I wouldn’t get that back.

“They then said if I wanted to browse the bread aisle I needed an upgraded trolley that cost another fifty quid.

“But the kids have said they’re fine with having less food if it means they’re part of a cool brand.”

AppleMart will be promoted by a TV ad campaign featuring silhouetted dancers holding up rolls of bin bags and jars of mayonnaise.

Home shopping customers have been advised that groceries scheduled for delivery tonight are delayed until mid-November while Apple irons out a loaf bug that has caused some bread bins to explode.

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Britons flock to Labour Party conference

EXCITED Britons have been rushing to see their favourite Labour politicians at the party conference in Brighton.

The seaside town has taken on a festival atmosphere after thousands of conference fans descended for four days of speeches, seminars and mayhem.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “The vibe on the train getting here was amazing.

“Everyone was cracking open cans, wearing Alistair Darling wigs and talking about which members of the shadow cabinet they were going to see.

“When we got here we set up our tent on the beach then went to see Ed Balls talking about financial mismanagement of the HS2 rail link, which blew me away.

“You can listen to Balls on your iPod, but it’s just not the same as seeing him live.

“Tomorrow we’re going to see Chuka Umunna give a speech on how Labour is the party of entrepreneurialism, so I’ll probably drop a couple of Es before that.”

However Sussex police chief Donna Sheridan warned: “We want people to have fun, but it’s important to stay safe too.

“It’s easy to have too much to drink and find someone’s stolen your signed copy of Neil Kinnock’s autobiography.”