Humans getting older without growing up

REACHING physical maturity is no longer the same as growing up, it has emerged.

Researchers highlighted trends for semi-ironic fish finger sandwiches, an obsession with bicycles and stick-on moustaches as evidence of a disconnect between age and maturity.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Infancy now continues indefinitely. Look at the popularity of smoothies, which are basically baby food.

“Society’s obsession with ‘play’ and ‘fun’ is causing people in their twenties to mentally stagnate, with some returning to infancy completely.

“We started to see problems when the craze for take out coffee blew up and adults started guzzling warm, foamy milk from plastic beakers.

“Now we have a nation of grown men and women who are unable to function after their lunchtime latte if they don’t spend their afternoons napping in a warm dark room on a woollen blanket.”

Father Stephen Malley said “I’m seriously worried about my son, Tom. When he first moved to London, he loved sophisticated food so much that he constantly wore  a lobster bib.

“But since he got into pop-ups, he seems to have lost all interest in everything apart from chips and hanging about outside the Disney store.

He added “I thought I’d take him to Scott’s and talk some sense into him, but he just made a fuss about having to sit in a big boy chair and cried when I asked him to eat his peas.”

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Di Canio regains control of Sunderland in military coup

PAOLO Di Canio has declared himself Sunderland manager-for-life following a brutal coup.

The charismatic manager, who was fired for poor results on Sunday, stormed the Stadium of Light with tanks and helicopters before making an impassioned address on the club’s YouTube channel.

He said: “It takes time to turn a club around and the players I have purchased this summer deserve a chance to settle in. That is why I have seized this club by force and have ordered a reel of piano wire for my talks with senior players.

“No longer will this club operate under the communist rule of the FA. Where is the logic in winning a war and leaving your opponents to fight another day, or letting a player leave who then comes back to score against you with his unbroken legs?

“Twelve points have been stolen from us this season. The communists might settle for the loss of three points to West Bromwich Albion, but I say no! I say we must take those points back!

“To this end I have authorised a low-level bombing raid on the Hawthorns, to be followed by a lightning strike by our infantry led by Lee Cattermole.”

Fans gathered around Sunderland’s ground were thought to have hung effigies of chairman Ellis Short and caretaker manager Kevin Ball from lampposts, until it became apparent that they weren’t effigies.

Peterborough United, Sunderland’s opponents in tonight’s League Cup game, have confirmed they have received a fax from Di Canio requesting their unconditional surrender.