Lunch or dinner, pastie or pasty, scone or scone? The pathetic issues that divide Britain

NOW Brexit’s over, the nation has turned eagerly to the contentious issues that divided it irrevocably in happier times. Like these: 

Pastie or pasty

Pronounced the same, but spelled how? True Cornishmen go with pastie, but pasty has more followers including every tubby trucker’s best friend, Ginsters. Greggs sits on the fence and calls them bakes, perhaps in subconscious recognition that the shit they sell is not a pastie.

Is lunch dinner and is dinner tea? 

There’s a point between Nottingham and Sheffield, travelling north around about the Tibshelf services on the M1, where people stop calling their evening meal ‘dinner’ and start calling it ‘tea’. Carry on up the M1 to Scotland and it becomes ‘dinner’ again. At least the country is united behind the belief that calling it ‘supper’ is for twats.

Scoane or sconn, and cream or jam first? 

A nested pair of arguments which set man against wife, brother against sister and Devon against Cornwall. The eventual war between the counties will be sparked by an incorrectly prepared cream tea escalating into a nationwide conflict about how to say the key ingredient.

Which way round does the toilet roll go?

Some people say the loose end should go nearest the wall as it looks neater. These people have Astroturfed gardens and regularly Hoover their children. It’s there for cleaning up after a dump. Don’t overcomplicate it.

Celebrations or Heroes? 

Buying a giant tub of chocolates? Should you go for the Cadbury’s selection where nobody wants the Eclairs, or the Mars selection where nobody wants the Bounties? It’s impossible to truly enjoy Creme Egg Twisted, but there’s never enough Malteser Teasers?

Ant or Dec?

Not which of them is best, but which is which? The pair claim to have sorted this years ago, with Ant always standing on the left of Dec when they appear together. But is it their left, or our left as we look at them?

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Government to stimulate post-lockdown economy by giving everyone six grams of coke

THE government is to continue sensibly and responsibly restoring the UK’s economy post-lockdown by giving every citizen six grams of cocaine. 

The pharmaceutical-grade cocaine will be mandatory for all adults over the age of 18 and is expected to boost trade in pubs, bars, nightclubs and at high-end fashion retailers.

Michael Gove said: “Britain needs to cast aside its concerns and get spending, and nothing does that like a noseful of beak.

“The scheme follows the runaway success of Eat Out to Help Out but won’t just help hospitality. When the whole nation’s on the 36th hour of a mammoth session they’ll blow cash on f**king anything.

“Who’s got time to worry about the Delta variant when they’re out of their box on gak? Nobody high’s bothered about job security, mounting debts or their long-term health. They’re wild-eyed and thrusting money on strangers and that’s what the country needs.”

Denys Finch Hatton of Andover was part of the pilot scheme. He said: “I did half mine in a single night and by dawn I’d bought a summerhouse, six cases of champagne and put a deposit on a speedboat.

“I’m going to work every hour God sends to pay for that shit and get more of this sweet nose candy. Britain’s the best country in the f**king world.”