The top five most incredibly ugly investment trainers

TRAINERS are the new fine art, and like most fine art they’re f**king ugly. Here’s how to invest in shit-looking footwear that will appreciate in value:  

Yeezys

Ranging anywhere from a few hundred to a million dollars in price, Yeezys are the signature brand of all-around bellend Kanye West. Coveted by tasteless pricks who like swirly beige Crocs, they genuinely will be worth thousands unless the world realises.

Chanel x Pharrell Williams

Brands like Chanel have prestige and exclusivity. These are features that are worth something. Until it occurs to us stamping a huge logo of shoes by the guy from Blurred Lines isn’t the fashion statement they’re claiming? And maybe you could spend that twenty grand on like a mortgage?

Nike Air from Back to the Future II

Released in 2011 as replicas of the self-lacing bad boys from the movie, they go for £24k at auction. But what was cool and futuristic in 1989 isn’t now, when only seven-year-olds are proud of their light-up shoes.

Air Jordans

No doubt about it, Air Jordans can be a sleek, fashionable shoe. But the further you go up the pay scale, the more you should realise that the only person capable of pulling off some of these is Mr Jordan himself. And even then, if it’s a collab with DJ Khaled? Save the money, Michael.

Anything with diamonds stuck on

Diamonds are worth a lot of money. By that logic, shoes with a lot of diamonds stuck all over them will be worth a lot of money. However, this will leave you in the situation of being the twat with a shitload of diamonds all over his trainers.

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'Fast-paced' and other phrases in job ads that mean 'living hell'

LOOKING for work? Want to spot those positions that promise perpetual suffering in an office full of bastards? Look out for these key phrases: 

‘Round 1 of applications’

This employer thinks working for them deserves the equivalent of Oxford entrance exams. Forms, more forms where you repeat everything from the first set of forms, a Myers-Briggs test, and a presentation assignment that takes a fortnight. To get an informal interview.

‘Candidates should be flexible’

Flexible is a one-way road to these monsters. All time is work time. They’ll call you at 11pm on a Friday and you’ll be expected to drop everything. But ask for a late start for a doctor’s appointment and you’re on your final written warning.

‘The team is one big family’

Welcome to the passive-aggressive capital of the world. Your colleagues will step on your neck for as little as an extra five minutes at lunch.

‘This field should be your passion’

And your only passion. Try to pursue other interests, hobbies, start a family – anything that isn’t related to your passion for direct mail marketing – and we will sue you. Your possessions will be confiscated and your children put into care.

‘Perks include gym membership’

Okay, you’re allowed one hobby, the gym. Where you can improve your endurance to do our baseline 75-hour week. Also means the boss feels free to call you fat.

‘Fast-paced’

Your job used to be done by four people. Now it’s done by one, and it’s been unfilled for six months after the last person went off with stress so there’s a backlog to catch up on. All results needed yesterday. Professional masochists welcomed.

‘Salary: competitive’

Tell us what you think you need to be paid to live. We’re confident we can offer less than a third of that.