Daily Mail replaces Paul Dacre with Alain de Botton

THE Daily Mail has sacked long-time editor Paul Dacre and replaced him with the philosopher Alain de Botton.

Owner, Viscount Rothermere, said: “I read Alain’s website, the Philosophers’ Mail, and just loved it. Alain is a gentle, thoughtful human, whereas Paul Dacre’s a lunatic who frightens me each and every day.

“Alain will turn the Daily Mail into something wise and beautiful that radiates truth, intelligence and, most importantly, love.

“And, best of all, Alain doesn’t want any money. He just wants five minutes a day to look at a tree.

“Unlike Dacre, who is a greedy bastard.”

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Independent Scotland joining Eurovision would be ‘very difficult for everyone’

AN independent Scotland’s bid to join Eurovision would be opposed by countries where people can hear, it has been claimed.

Jean-Claude Juncker, the president of Eurovision, said: “The other members will not stand by while Scotland unleashes some kind of auto-tuned bagpipe shitfest.

“It would, no doubt, be performed by an ageing, kilted, softcore punk. I’m seeing horrible visions of a ‘Scottish Tenpole Tudor’.

“Either that or they’ll offer up Hue and Cry and expect us all to just sit there and take it.”

But Scotland’s first minister,Nicola Sturgeon, dismissed Mr Juncker, insisting she already has a detailed Eurovision plan, entitled ‘Kidnapping and Drugging Teenage Fanclub‘.