AN otherwise sane man has decided that every breaking news story is just a distraction from another story.
Nathan Muir believes anything that happens around the same time as other news is designed to draw away the public’s attention, in a sophisticated act of forward-planning none of the current twats in government seem capable of.
Muir said: “BBC scandal? Dead cat. Presidential visit? Dead cat. Volcanic eruption in Iceland? You’d better believe that’s a dead cat.
“An anonymous journalist insider on Twitter said there was going to be a big breaking story about wheelie bin collections. And then – BAM! – Rihanna has a baby. It’s a bit too convenient for me.
“No one’s going to be interested in wheelie bins when literally everyone in Britain is fascinated by the minutiae of Rihanna’s personal life. It’s classic Tory subterfuge to cover up their wrongdoing.
“I can only hope that me blowing the whole scam wide open by talking to the media doesn’t distract from another big news story, like the revelation that Rishi Sunak is actually a crap prime minister.”
Girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “I lost faith in Nathan’s dead cat theories when he told me Covid was to distract from poor reviews of Game of Thrones.”
