Man discovers toilet roll fairy is not real

A MAN who assumed a magical fairy had been changing the toilet roll was stunned to discover she does not exist.

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, found out the truth after spotting his wife of 15 years putting a fresh quilted Andrex on the holder.

He said: “I told her to leave it for the toilet roll fairy and she totally lost it and yelled, ‘I AM THE FUCKING FAIRY’.

“Apparently, she’s been changing the loo roll for our entire marriage. The world feels a little less special today.

“It’s not like I don’t do my bit. I once took a roll out of the bag and placed it on top of the cistern. For the fairy.”

He added: “I’m starting to wonder if the Bin Elf is real.”

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Internet was ‘huge mistake’ and should be deleted

THE experiment that is the internet has proved to be a dreadful mistake for everyone involved and will be deleted as soon as possible. 

Following the rapid growth of fake news, cyber-bullying and all the other avalanches of absolute bullshit, it has been confirmed that the internet is beyond saving and will be confiscated to be safely disposed of.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The internet was created with the noble vision of harmoniously connecting all of humanity. Yeah, right.

“Have we created a technological utopia, advancing social and culturing understanding through cyberspace? Or are we calling each other racist fascist communist feminazi scumbags while we stream clown porn?

“The whole thing was clearly a massive error, so it’s going. Users will be given a notice period of a month so they can finish publishing their Bergerac/Shoestring slash fiction or whatever other bollocks they use it for.

“People who rely on the web for work, such as teenage YouTube vloggers, will have to get proper fucking jobs.”