Man drives 30 miles out of his way to pay 5p less for petrol

A DRIVER with an eye for a bargain made a 30-mile detour to fill his tank at a petrol station with fractionally cheaper prices.

Flying in the face of both common sense and basic maths, Tom Logan genuinely believes the trip made him an impressive saving.

He said: “I’ve found a way to beat the system. I can’t tell you the sense of satisfaction it gives me to know I’m outsmarting everyone.

“When I think of the mugs who pull into a service station just because it happens to be on the way to where they’re going I feel sorry for them. But also superior.” 

When challenged about the extra petrol costs of the detour, Logan said: “It’s a question of principle. The important thing is that I’m not being ripped off. Convenience isn’t the key thing here.”

Logan’s wife Sarah said: “Convenience absolutely is the key thing here. And money. I’ve tried to explain but he seems to think he’s a modern-day highwayman in a Toyota Corolla.”

Logan added: “The feeling I get if I find myself driving past the cheap place anyway is the biggest high of my life.”

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Who is the new Chancellor of the Exchequer? No f**king idea

BRITAIN has a new Chancellor of the Exchequer, second only in power to the prime minister. But who is he? No f**king clue whatsoever. 

His name is Rishi Sunak

No, not ringing any bells. Not even in an era when any backbench gobsh*te with provocative views on Brexit can build a national media profile, for example, full-time idiot Mark Francois.

He was made chief secretary to the Treasury last July

Didn’t hear about that. Is this like when Chelsea fire their manager and promote the assistant manager way beyond any of their previous experience because really the chairman’s picking the team? 

He likes Star Wars, Coca-Cola and Southampton FC

These are not characteristics that make a person stand out in a crowd, much less qualifications to take over control of the finances of the UK. 

He’s a household name in India

This is like pop acts claiming to be ‘big in Japan’. It fails to be impressive, and is most likely untrue.

He’s a Brexiter living in a Georgian mansion in North Yorkshire

Common among Conservative Brexiters in government, but not exactly representative of ordinary Brexiters. Some of whom may not necessarily be keen on him for… reasons. 

He supports Boris Johnson in all things and will never challenge him

Ah. He is the perfect Chancellor for a new government, a new decade and a new era of soaring British influence and prosperity. Until he isn’t and gets sacked and was rubbish all along.