Sunday, 27th September 2020

Man finds going to pub too pleasant now

A MAN is disappointed by the post-lockdown pub experience as it appears to involve nothing more than having a quiet drink with friends at a table.

Tom Logan regards calmly queuing for entry and observing social distancing as a far cry from the authentic pub experience of acting like an absolute twat.

Logan said: “The whole point of going down the pub is barging through the door with your mates, shouting “OI OI!” at the whole room and brandishing a wad of cash at the bar man.

“I want to be standing in a circle with six other blokes, legs wide apart, laughing raucously every ten seconds, and spraying my phlegm far and wide.

“It’s not a bloody coffee morning, it’s not about sitting down for a civilised chat. It’s about shouting like a bellend, then offering someone out for a fight when they accidentally catch your eye.

“Coronavirus has made the pub experience far too nice. I’m going to go and burn some tyres in my front garden instead.”