Man finds going to pub too pleasant now

A MAN is disappointed by the post-lockdown pub experience as it appears to involve nothing more than having a quiet drink with friends at a table.

Tom Logan regards calmly queuing for entry and observing social distancing as a far cry from the authentic pub experience of acting like an absolute twat.

Logan said: “The whole point of going down the pub is barging through the door with your mates, shouting “OI OI!” at the whole room and brandishing a wad of cash at the bar man.

“I want to be standing in a circle with six other blokes, legs wide apart, laughing raucously every ten seconds, and spraying my phlegm far and wide.

“It’s not a bloody coffee morning, it’s not about sitting down for a civilised chat. It’s about shouting like a bellend, then offering someone out for a fight when they accidentally catch your eye.

“Coronavirus has made the pub experience far too nice. I’m going to go and burn some tyres in my front garden instead.”

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I'm A Celebrity UK bushtucker trials to include signing up for Universal Credit

THE CHALLENGES set for celebrities in the UK-based of I’m A Celebrity will include surviving a night out in Cardiff and queuing for three hours for the tip.

TV executives are confident that contestants will find tackling typically British problems such as eating a kebab from a dodgy van by a pub just as disgusting as swallowing a kangaroo’s testicle.

Producer Lauren Hewitt said: “Spending a few nights on a Scottish moor might not seem that bad, but anyone who has ever been camping in Britain will confirm that it’s uncomfortable, frightening and depressing.

“We’re mulling over really difficult bushtucker trial options like attending an interview at the Jobcentre or forcing down a Wetherspoon’s chicken jalfrezi.

“The only issue really is that we haven’t got many creepy insects in the UK, so we might just ask them to have a pint with Nigel Farage instead.

“To be honest, as long as the celebrities look like wankers, no one’s going to give a shit where it’s filmed.”