Man realises he's been singing 'F**k the Pain Away' in the office

A MAN has realised he was singing a sexually explicit song about extreme mental anguish while at work.

Administrator Wayne Hayes found himself unconsciously singing Fuck the Pain Away by Peaches as he did things like filing invoices and watering pot plants.

Hayes said: “I’m not sure why I picked that particular track because I wasn’t feeling any more depressed and alienated than usual.

“However I’ve got a nasty feeling Gavin from sales overheard the bit about ‘sucking on my titties like you wanted me’ because he ran off when I said ‘hi’ in the toilets.

“I’m sure I was only singing it because it’s incredibly catchy, not because it subconsciously reflects my feelings about working in this suffocating void of boredom and petty spite.

“Seriously, I’m fine here. I totally agree with my girlfriend and parents that giving up my band to get a proper job printing out purchase orders was the right thing to do.”

Logan has resolved to stop singing at work, but today found himself quietly chanting “Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me” while ordering some Post-It notes.

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Theresa May's campaign schedule for today

AN exclusive look at Theresa May’s campaign schedule for today, and every other day.

6.30am: Wake up, already right.

7am: Watch news, add more names to list.

8am: Begin transport to [UNDISCLOSED LOCATION].

9.30am: Confirm with election team that [UNDISCLOSED LOCATION] has been cleared of all unvetted people to radius of five miles.

10.30am: Watch team of Romanian actors pretending to be British citizens enact a typical British scene, for example factory-making or crop-rotating.

11am: Deliver speech to Romanian actors.

11.10am: Deliver speech again as some actors unconsciously mouthed along with it.

11.30am: Deliver speech third time but with occasional interruptions, or as media terms it ‘interview’.

12pm: Lunch, strong and stable with side order of best deal for Britain.

1.30pm: Knock on voter’s door for cameras after making sure Special Branch team holding householder at gunpoint are concealed from sight.

2pm: Return to infusion tank for physical form to be revitalised by ‘dead fluids’.

6pm: Watch TV news, swear vengeance on those who create it.

7.30pm: Sign off final headlines of Daily Mail, Daily Telegraph, Sun and Times for tomorrow morning.

9pm: Do ‘girl jobs’.

9.15pm: Shower, scrub away shame.

10pm: Stare unblinking at ceiling until sunrise.