Man thinks 'You look better without makeup' is a compliment

A MAN is under the impression that telling women they look better without makeup is a fantastic compliment.

Wayne Hayes firmly believes that informing female friends and acquaintances they could look better than they currently do is something they will love to hear.

IT support worker Hayes said: “I expect they’re really flattered that I’m giving them my input about their makeup they’ve chosen to spend quite a lot of time putting on.

“I genuinely think they look better without all that shit on their face. I’m a really strong feminist in that respect, which I’m sure the ladies appreciate.

“Yes, some of them might think they look good with makeup, which is why they choose to wear it, but luckily I can see their natural beauty and put them right.”

Woman Helen Archer said: “I don’t wear makeup to get a response from men. I wear it because I like it, and because of a complex network of societal pressures.

“I definitely don’t need the input of a bellend like Wayne – who has also voiced his preference for ‘big natural tits’ – when I’ve just spent 20 minutes getting ready.”

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Even foetus embarrassed by hideous 'gender reveal party'

A PARTY to reveal the gender of an unborn child is such a horrible, attention-seeking event that even the foetus in question is cringing.

Parents-to-be Emma Bradford and Martin Bishop invited all their family and friends to the occasion because they love to jump on any trendy new bandwagon and like being given free stuff.

The as-yet-unnamed foetus said: “I can tell from in here it’s a totally toe-curling event. I can’t believe these twats are going to be my parents. 

“I’m just so embarrassed by the whole thing. I think I heard Emma saying she wanted everyone to ‘share in this priceless moment of joy’. Pass the f**king sick bag. 

“I’m just a half-formed human the size of a small potato and I’m cringing. And if they’re milking it now, it looks like my entire life is going to be on Facebook. Thanks a lot, guys.”

Guest Francesca Johnson said: “I’ve just about managed to accept that baby showers have sadly become the norm, but I’m not happy about having to sit through this utter bullshit too.

“I don’t care if it’s a girl or a boy. Either way it’s going to be an annoying little bastard that ruins social occasions and is the subject of endless tedious chat for the next 20 years at least.”