Man unable to form opinion on cushion

A FATHER-OF-TWO has entered a trance-like state while trying to decide whether a cushion is nice.

Staff at a Leamington Spa shopping centre were alerted after Stephen Malley’s catatonic body was found blocking a fire exit.

Security guard Emma Bradford said: “He was just standing there, staring at a cushion, repeating the phrase ‘is it nice?’ like it was a philosophical question.

“It was like he couldn’t reach a conclusion so had fallen into an inescapable mental loop.”

There have been a number of similar incidents around the UK, as gift-hunting men struggle to comprehend the qualities of homeware items.

Roy Hobbs, from Hatfield, said: “My wife says she wants a modern fruit bowl.  What in the name of god does that mean? Have there been some new innovations in bowl technology?”

Shop assistant Joanna Kramer said: “He just picked the ugliest bowl in the shop.”

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Britain stops pretending to care

AS the Christmas holiday looms, Britons have abandoned all pretence of being interested in their jobs.

Millions of desk workers have stopped trying to act ‘passionate’ and ‘motivated’, instead being quite open about their desire to fuck off after lunchtime.

Telesales operative Nikki Hollis said: “My manager just said, ‘let’s look busy for a couple of hours then hoof it’ and we all cheered.

“It’s more magical than actual Christmas – as if for one special day we’re treated like humans instead of hive ants. This refreshing honesty almost makes me like being here.

“Although of course I still hope the office burns to the ground over Christmas.”

Those with specialist professions are being equally upfront about their desire to get into a pub.

Surgeon Julian Cook said: “I’ve brought a staple gun, it’s quicker than actual stitches.”

Motivational speaker Tom Logan added: “Today’s ‘personal goal’ is to wank it out and fuck off early.”