Man uses Trump victory as excuse to call ex-girlfriend

A MAN has decided the US election result is sufficiently insane to justify calling his ex-girlfriend.

Martin Bishop woke up yesterday to news of Donald Trump’s election, and thought it was a solid excuse to call his ex, Donna Sheridan, and ask her what she thought.

Bishop said, “I tried to call her after Brexit but I just got her answer machine.

Today I got through though, which has nothing to do with the fact I’ve got a new number.

I asked her if everything was OK and if she’d seen the election result and she said she had. Then there was a bit of a silence so I asked her if she’d come across that cordless drill I couldn’t find when I moved out.

She said she hadn’t, so then I asked her if that dipshit barman she was screwing now even knew what a Black and Decker was and then she hung up on me.

Fucking Trump.”

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‘Ignored’ voter to become ‘absolutely shafted’ voter

A TRUMP supporter has voted to make the government stop ignoring him and completely screw him over instead.

Sawmill worker Tom Logan felt left behind by mainstream politics and finds Lady Gaga annoying, so voted for a billionaire whose main interests are money, ‘pussy’ and himself.

Logan said: “Trump’s going to create well-paid blue collar jobs that are full of dignity and pleasingly masculine. I can’t wait to be a hunky steel worker taking home $150,000 a year.

“I know Donald won’t let me down, because why would someone lie about something that’s going to help them become the most powerful person in the world?”

However economist Donna Sheridan said: “Despite Tom’s optimism, Trump’s main business experience is getting idiots to do pointless tasks on a bullshit reality TV show.

“Therefore his economic plan is likely to be talking about jobs, realising it’s complicated, losing interest and then cutting welfare for all the people who still haven’t got jobs.

“Meanwhile his extreme stupidity will tank the economy, so in a few years Tom’s main job will be catching squirrels and cooking them on sticks in a ditch.

“Other job opportunities in the new America will include tooth puller, rat meat chef and crossbow-wielding encampment defender.”