We do not like trampolining, say hedgehogs

HEDGEHOGS have confirmed they do not like trampolining and children should not make them do it.

Britain’s hedgehogs attacked this year’s John Lewis Christmas advert, featuring trampolining woodland animals, warning that children would now try to kidnap hedgehogs and force them to bounce up and down.

Hedgehog Roy Hobbs said: “I accidentally wandered across a trampoline once. I hated it and I wasn’t even bouncing up and down. It was just all wobbly underfoot. Made me queasy.

“The hedgehog in this advert is not real. It is an unnatural, computer generated abomination.”

Hobbs added: “Hedgehogs are very much ground-based creatures. We eat grubs and roll into a ball for protection.

“In our leisure time we watch stuff like Bake Off and Orange is the New Black. The most excitement we have is the occasional game of Buckaroo!.

“Anyway, keep your brats on a leash or we’ll give them scabies.”