Man with big holes in his ears desperate for your approval

A MAN who has made large holes in his ears is absolutely desperate for your approval.

Website designer Nathan Muir said: “I put huge fuck off holes in my ears to look cool. And by look cool I mean, look cool to you.

“Because, as any radical punk knows, it’s the opinions of strangers that matter.”

Fellow ear tunnel owner Julian Cook said: If you’d have asked me when I was a kid if I wanted huge holes in my ears so big that you could put your fist through them, I’d have said, ‘No. That’s stupid.’

“But here I am, a grown man and I think it looks great. Well, I do if you do.

“I’m thinking about getting a tattoo on my face at some point too, because that’s apparently no longer the distinguishing mark of a psychopath. Would you like that?”

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Dads doing unnecessary things with cars

BRITAIN’S dads are constantly doing unnecessary things to their cars, it has emerged.

Family members reported dads engaged in futile car activities such as opening the bonnet, looking intently at the engine for several minutes and then closing it without doing anything.

Sixth-former Nikki Hollis said: “My dad always sits in the drive for five minutes ‘warming up’ the engine before we go anywhere. I’m pretty sure you only need to do that with a WW1 tank, not a Ford Focus.

“I’ve also seen him turning the hazard warning lights on and off in the garage and repeatedly opening and closing the dashboard coin tray. I think he might be pretending to be a pilot getting ready for takeoff.”

Office manager Roy Hobbs said: “I feel a strong masculine bond with my Renault Megane, but since I know nothing about car maintenance I have to make do with taking the spare wheel out and ‘checking’ it.

“My family thinks the car is just a mid-price runaround, but to me it’s a theatre of dreams where I’m a man’s man like Steve McQueen or James May.

“If we drove off a bridge into a river they’d thank me for regularly testing the electric windows. Although in my fantasies it’s not my family in the car, it’s Susanna Reid.”