Massive dickhead weirdly successful with women

A GROUP of office workers is genuinely puzzled by the relationship success of a total dickwad they work with, it has emerged. 

Colleagues cannot comprehend how sales executive Tom Booker consistently attracts girlfriends despite his seemingly female-unfriendly interests of cars, Maxim magazine and fart-related humour.

Co-worker Emma Bradford said: “He once talked to me for 15 minutes about his new tyres without noticing I’d put my earphones in.

“Weirdly though I quite like him, even though I hate myself for it. Maybe it’s a masochistic thing.”

Fellow colleague Martin Bishop said: “My theory was that Tom behaves totally differently in front of women he wants to impress, but I’ve seen him trying to chat someone up by asking ‘What’s your best Top Gear episode?’.

“Also his sense of humour exclusively involves farts. If you find the expressions ‘silent but violent’ or ‘letting off an eggy one’ completely hilarious he’s your dream date.

“I guess his appeal is one of those unsolved mysteries of life, like the Bermuda Triangle or how they built those Inca temples.”

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Britons demand right to keep f**king up and not get sacked

WORKERS should have the same rights as politicians to completely bollocks things up and not lose their jobs, they believe.

Incompetent people feel it is unfair that they keep getting fired while politicians like Theresa May and Michael Gove are hardly affected by monumental fuck-ups.

Jobseeker Roy Hobbs said: “Last week I smashed £3,000 of TVs with my forklift and immediately got the sack, but Theresa May knackered a whole election and just got a ticking off.

“She was pretty bad at being prime minister from day one but I haven’t seen her at the so-called Jobcentre Plus being made to do a pointless ‘work skills’ course.”

Former teacher Nikki Hollis said: “I was forced to leave teaching due to being quite crap at it, but Michael Gove didn’t have to leave for being absolutely abysmal as education secretary.

“All I did was make a few children fail their GCSEs, but he was going to stuff up the entire system by making all the good teachers leave and only teaching kids about the sinking of the Bismarck. Now he’s been given a better job after stabbing Boris in the back.

“If there was any justice he’d be working in a factory like me. He’d be utter shit at it and somehow still get promoted to manager.”