THE English language is rich, varied and blessed with 4,000 passive-aggressive synonyms for the word ‘no’. These are just a few:
‘Maybe’
Both noun and an adverb and means ‘no’ either way. Commonly employed by parents, for example: ‘maybe we could get you a drum kit in a couple of years, if you’re good, maybe.’ Also used by partners while considering the latest sexual innovation you’d like to try.
‘Hmmmm’
Less a word, more a murmer of indifference which directly translates as ‘not f**king likely’. Often said by someone scrunching up their face in revulsion during situations where a flat ‘no’ is socially unacceptable. You’ll recognise it from first dates.
‘I’ll think about it’
They’ve already thought about it and the answer is no, but they’re too polite, cowardly or professional to say so. Bosses use this when you ask for a pay rise so you’ll forget it and move on. It’s been four years and you haven’t forgotten, not that you deserve one.
‘Could do’
The ‘no’ of choice for indecisive girlfriends. That nice Chinese place round the corner? Could do. Or the Indian joint by Waitrose? Could do. Domino’s? Could do. When you find yourself trapped in this cycle, ask them if they’d like to continue the relationship. You’ll get the same response.
‘Yeah no’
A brutal, whiplash-inducing piece of linguistic chicanery. The positive only there to affirm the negative, to offer hope before crushing it, to leave you in no doubt as to the speaker’s blanket dismissal.
‘I’d love to’
The most remorseless, humiliating ‘no’ of them all, detected only in retrospect by eager men whose texts go unanswered. Will secretly hope it means ‘yes’ until their dying days.
