Maybe we could not do this shit and have less stuff, says clearly insane co-worker

AN OBVIOUSLY mad colleague has suggested doing less work in exchange for having less money and things.

During a discussion among office workers about how much they hate their work, Nikki Hollis suggested they could perhaps quit and then buy less stuff.

Hollis said: “This job is awful but adequately well-paid, so we’ve all gotten into buying tellies and sofas and so forth.

“But we could probably quit and do something less lucrative but more interesting, or go part-time or something.

“It’d mean having less stuff. Like driving around in an old car, getting second-hand furniture, that sort of thing. People chuck out loads of perfectly decent things so your main living costs would be rent and bills.”

Co-worker Tom Booker said: “I always thought Nikki was a bit eccentric but never knew she was fully mental. Imagine making your own sandwiches, giving up massive coffees or going on holiday in a caravan.”

Hollis was reported to HR and called in for a chat, after which she was taken from the building in a sort of ambulance.

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Even I'm not sanctimonious enough to turn vegan, says Corbyn

JEREMY Corbyn has admitted that even he is not self-righteous and smug enough to become a vegan. 

The Islington North MP, who he judges everyone he meets and finds them all morally lacking compared to himself, believes veganism is a bridge too far. 

He continued: “Don’t get me wrong, I think I’m better than everybody. Point at any random MBE recipient and I’ll be like ‘Where were you when I was campaigning for Cuba in 1991?’ 

“But vegans, Christ. I mean I’m on more of a broad spectrum when it comes to my innate superiority, so between me going on about gay rights and unions and Hamas at least there’s a bit of variety. 

“But this vegan couple I know, Simone and Gavin, honestly it’s their only topic of conversation. One time when I was with them I ordered the cheeseboard, and they still act like I slaughtered a cow in front of them. 

“No, I’m sorry. I may not have a car, and I don’t eat meat, and privately I spell ‘America’ with three Ks, but it’s just not in me to be that much of a self-satisfied arse.” 

Corbyn’s friend Simone said: “Actually we’re fruitarians now. So to us Jeremy is worse than Hitler.”