McDonald's buys rights to 'summer babies'

BABIES born in summer will be handed over to McDonald’s when they reach 13 years of age.

The fast food giant made a successful bid for Britain’s under-performing children after a leading think tank confirmed it was for the best.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “While babies born in summer are stupid, many of them do have at least six fingers on each hand.

“McDonald’s can exploit both of these attributes and give these wretched lives some meaning.

“Otherwise they will just end up scavenging at recycling centres and constantly bumping into trees.”

Under the plan mothers of summer newborns will meet with a McDonald’s lawyer within 48 hours of the child’s birth and sign a joint custody agreement. On the child’s 13th birthday a van will pull up and the youngster will be taken away by a team of people dressed as clowns.

Professor Brubaker said the deal should also apply retrospectively, giving McDonald’s the right to acquire all summer babies born since 1976.

Martin Bishop, who was born in July 1984, said: “I’m a geneticist at Cambridge and have just published a paper on the DNA of the bearded pygmy chameleon.

“It has already been described as ‘groundbreaking’ by at least one professor who was born in March.

“Plus, it only took me four hours to type the entire thing because I have 17 fingers.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

BT woos Sky customers with free crisps

BROADBAND supplier BT is offering free ‘grab bags’ of crisps in a move designed to woo Sky customers.

A spokesman said: “We’re usually marketing to nice middle-class students and their mothers, so this is a departure for us.

“But our data shows that Sky people love vulgar things.

“We’re also doing a free ornamental plate with a picture of frolicking Staffordshire bull terriers on it.”