Middle class rhino birth rates falling

A REPORTED increase in rhino birth rates is being offset by the number of better-off, educated rhinos that are delaying having offspring.

Zoologist Mary Fisher said: “Career-focused rhinos are putting off having calves until it’s nearly too late and they have to go to a special fertility zoo.

“They’re making big money marketing themselves to tourists but their lack of a family unit makes them vulnerable to poachers in later life.”

Middle-income rhino Nikki Hollis said: “The main problem is that I can’t find the right bull rhino. It’s a time thing. Maybe I’ll just adopt a monkey.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Savile's relationship with police 'only looked horribly corrupt'

JIMMY Savile’s relationship with West Yorkshire Police could have seemed corrupt to the untrained eye, according to an official report.

In what may appear to the uninitiated to be an utterly superficial investigation, the force stressed that while it had done absolutely nothing wrong, it may not seem that way to those unschooled in the ancient ways.

The report states: “When officers attended regular coffee mornings at Mr Savile’s home, it was not a social occasion, it was what we highly trained crime experts call a ‘honey trap’.

“We only ever sent the youngest, most attractive officers to the coffee mornings in a bid to lure Mr Savile into committing a sexual offence.

“When our officers left unmolested we quite reasonably concluded that Mr Savile was a nice man.”

Roy Hobbs, a detective inspector who was just 51 when he attended his first Savile coffee morning, said: “I always wore tight fitting jeans and a shirt that accentuated my breasts. I leaned over him provocatively whenever I reached for a Hobnob.

“At no time did he seem even remotely interested in me sexually.”

The report added: “We had to keep our undercover operation a secret for professional reasons that can only be disclosed to someone who has a PhD from Police University.

“We would love to explain this to ordinary members of the public, but it would be like trying to explain snooker to a cat.”