Prince Charles injured by heavy irony

PRINCE Charles is recovering in hospital after a big lump of science-related irony hit him on the head.

The beneficiary of the queen’s death was criticising climate change scepticism when he was struck on the forehead by a large, possibly homeopathic, chunk of irony.

Onlooker Wayne Hayes said: “I wasn’t really listening to what he was saying, when suddenly I heard glass shattering as this hefty object that I recognised from school textbooks as a piece of irony smashed through a window.

“The next thing I know Charles is on the ground asking for some tincture of milk thistle.”

Accident investigators say that by arguing the merits of science while simultaneously promoting absolute bollocks, Charles placed a critical strain on the supports of logic that hold the universe together.

Health and safety consultant Nikki Hollis said: “Science is pretty sturdy and can generally cope with a person warning about CO2 emissions whilst being chauffeured around in a big fuck-off Bentley.

“But if you start using a doctor analogy like Charles did, when you’re convinced a £20 bottle of ghosts is the best treatment for serious illness, something’s bound to give.”

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64% of driving favours totally unacknowledged

IF you reverse to let another driver pass they will probably not even wave, it has emerged.

The Institute for Studies found that 64% of road-based courteousness was not acknowledged by the recipient, not even with a fucking nod of the head.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “From personal experience, I reversed literally half a mile down a tortuous side street to let this guy in a silver Audi get by.

“You kind of think that might earn a raised hand, a mouthed ‘cheers mate’ or even a cheeky wink, but no. He just sped past like a massive twat.

“I don’t mean to sound petty or needy but I gave him the milk of human kindness and he spat it into my face.

“Now I’ll never do anything nice for another human ever.”

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “I stopped at a junction to let a man in a new Mini pull out, even though the drivers behind started honking impatiently.

“But he didn’t even look me in eye. It’s not a big deal however it was eight years ago and I think get angry when I think about that ignorant fucking son of a bitch.”

“I know you shouldn’t expect anything in return for being helpful, but all he needed to do was use the muscles in his arm to elevate his hand.

“Thinking about it makes me want to puke.”