Media mourns death of last shockable person

THE media has expressed grief at the death of the last Briton capable of being shocked by newspaper articles and TV programmes.

Hundreds of journalists and TV producers attended the funeral of Mary Fisher, who died at the age of 104 after a lifetime of being shocked by tabloid outrage and sex on TV.

Daily Express journalist Nikki Hollis said: “Mary was the only person who felt genuine dismay after reading my highly critical stories about Prince Harry getting pissed.

“With Mary gone, there’s no point to my life anymore. This morning I looked at my latest article about Miley Cyrus and put my head on my keyboard and wept.”

TV executive Tom Logan said: “Mary was a product of a more innocent time when viewers didn’t realise they were being deliberately suckered into watching shows like Gay Men Bum In A Box.

“Her generation sacrificed hours of their lives generating free publicity for us by writing in to complain about gratuitous sex scenes in mediocre dramas.

“Now I might have to start commissioning shows that people actually want to watch on their own merits, which is difficult and expensive.

“Sorry, I’m getting a bit choked up now.”

At the funeral service, actor Keith Allen read out of excerpts of a letter Mary had sent to his agent, imploring him to stop taking drugs on TV and “think of your health”.

A visibly moved Denise Van Outen also paid her respects while wearing a PVC catsuit.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If you describe yourself as a ‘compassionate Conservative’, have a long, hard think about why that even needs pointing out.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus go round and round until midnight, then there’s a limited night bus service.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
An ill-advised tattoo, an interest in astrology…if David Dimbleby has the Jagged Little Pills album, he’s your first girlfriend at university.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Prepare to fail and you’ll…no, hang on. Don’t fail to prepare and you’ll fail…no, that’s not right, either. Damn, I had it a minute ago.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
For supper, you prepare a simple meal of fresh pasta lightly tossed in some pesto. A delicious, classic accompaniment to pie, chips and a burger.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You’ve always lived life to the full and given your recent lack of sex life, that has also included your balls.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
If you’ve expressed any kind of opinion on supermarket Christmas adverts recently, this week might be the perfect time to consider shutting your fucking food-hoop.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You know that bit in the films where the ridiculously good-looking girl ends up with the unconventional-looking bloke because he really gets her and makes her laugh? And you know that girl in work you’ve been mooning over for the last two years? Yeah, that’s not going to happen.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You’ve already finished your Christmas gift shopping. Sometimes having no friends or family has its benefits.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
The moment I wake up, before I put on my makeup, I say a little prayer for you. Because when I find you, I’m going to kill you.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
No, mulled wine isn’t wine you’ve spent more than three seconds thinking about before drinking.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON! Then second left, follow the ring road, you can’t miss it.