Hilarious exam howlers destroy kids' dreams

A NEW book showcases the side-splitting exam mistakes that have ended the hopes and dreams of children.

Full Marks For Trying, Losers highlights rip-roaring errors like misspelling ‘horse’ as ‘whore’ that have condemned youngsters to a lifetime of factory shift work.

Author Roy Hobbs said: “Kids can be so funny, especially when they’re experiencing the intense mental pressure of an examination that could fundamentally affect their future.

“For example one amusingly inept boy called Simon responded to the question ‘What is hard water?’ with the answer ‘Ice’.

“After leaving school he drifted between low-paid casual jobs before turning to petty crime and is now addicted to heroin in Brixton Prison.”

Another example from Hobbs’s book is 11-year-old Suzi who, when asked what the effect of the 1833 Slavery Abolition Act was, simply wrote ‘The slaves were abolitioned.’

He said: “Suzi’s inability to grasp basic concepts means she is unable to get a job or form normal relationships. After a lifetime of mockery and not getting the proper help she will die alone in an unmarked grave.

“Still at least she will be remembered in a stocking filler book.”

18-year-old Tom Logan, whose work features in the book, said: “One of my exams said ‘How do you identify athlete’s foot?’ so I put ‘It’s on the end of his leg’.

“That was just pathetic bravado because I didn’t know the answer. But I wish to God I’d applied myself at school, because now I might not be Googling ‘how much is my kidney worth?’.”

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Women impressed by men who condemn their taste in music

WOMEN have confirmed that nothing gets them hotter than men vigorously criticising the music they listen to.

The Institute for Studies found that women experience strong sexual impulses towards men who glance through their Spotify playlists while mouthing the words ‘shit, shit, shit’.

When condemnation of their favourite artists is then followed up with recommendations of obscure beard-rock albums, most women are unable to stop themselves initiating sexual intercourse.

Woman Carolyn Ryan said: “When a guy asks me what’s on my iPhone then tells me that I’ve been fooled into thinking I like Emeli Sandé by marketing, then he has my full attention, upstairs and downstairs.

“If he then proceeds to rank Radiohead albums from worst to best then it’s pretty much on, and we’re doing it while he’s explaining that Amnesiac is perennially underrated.”

Model Helen Archer agreed: “When I see men who nod their head attentively to the music but never, ever get on the dancefloor because music’s far too serious a passion for them, I immediately crave their genetic material.”

Dissenting voice Joanna Kramer said: “Obviously I know Katy Perry is shit. But it is much, much better for having a dance to on a Friday night than the collected catalogue of Rush.”