BRITISH men must attend a series of self-hate seminars to increase their body neuroses.
A survey found most men are fine with how they look, triggering concern about the economic impact of unsold cosmetics, diet products and ‘figure-flattering’ trousers.
A spokesman for the government-funded National Shame Association said: “The workshops will start with a four-hour gay porn screening.
“The men will be encouraged to compare their own bodies unfavourably to the performers, and then told how much surgery they will need on their buttocks, torsos and penises if they ever wish to have sex again.
“Participants will then be asked to list their favourite foods, and told to draw pictures of those foods and eat them as meal substitutes.
“Then after lunch we look at some pictures of Daniel Craig in magazines.”
Self-hate student Norman Steele said: I was walking around in shorts and t-shirts, with no idea of how repulsive and unpalatable I was.
Now I know the truth, I conduct most of my business in the shadows, outside daylight hours.
“Sometimes I go swimming – I used to do this in Speedos but now I put an extra-large refuse sack over upper body.
This has increased the pool fatality rate, but Id rather someone died than saw the full horror of my physique.