Men ordered to be ashamed of their bodies

BRITISH men must attend a series of self-hate seminars to increase their body neuroses.

A survey found most men are fine with how they look, triggering concern about the economic impact of unsold cosmetics, diet products and ‘figure-flattering’ trousers.

A spokesman for the government-funded National Shame Association said: “The workshops will start with a four-hour gay porn screening.

“The men will be encouraged to compare their own bodies unfavourably to the performers, and then told how much surgery they will need on their buttocks, torsos and penises if they ever wish to have sex again.”

“Participants will then be asked to list their favourite foods, and told to draw pictures of those foods and eat them as meal substitutes.

“Then after lunch we look at some pictures of Daniel Craig in magazines.”

Self-hate student Norman Steele said: “I was walking around in shorts and t-shirts, with no idea of how repulsive and unpalatable I was.

“Now I know the truth, I conduct most of my business in the shadows, outside daylight hours.

“Sometimes I go swimming – I used to do this in Speedos but now I put an extra-large refuse sack over upper body.

“This has increased the pool fatality rate, but I’d rather someone died than saw the full horror of my physique.”

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Rolling into a ball not as good as running like f*ck, hedgehogs told

A SHARP decline in hedgehog numbers has been blamed on the ineffectiveness of curling into a ball when threatened.

As figures show that the hedgehog population has shrunk by a third since the millennium, the mammals were told it was time to consider the ‘running like fuck’ approach to self-preservation.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “I once made the mistake of going drinking in Newcastle wearing a proper coat and if I’d curled into a little ball instead of sprinting onto a train I’d be extinct today.

“Hedgehogs seem to think vehicles are scared of very small prickly things, or that predators aren’t going to just wait it out until the little ball of food needs a slash.”

Hedgehog Tom Logan said: “No, this can’t be right. If you’re curled up tight in a ball literally nothing can get you, you’re totally safe.

“If a lorry tried to drive over me it would just explode, I’d be perfectly fine and scurry out of the resulting fireball like a small prickly Terminator.

“Also running makes me self-conscious because of how short my legs are.”

Natterjack toad Stephen Malley said: “The toad population has stabilised, that’s because we’ve started to hop the fuck away from larger carnivores instead of puffing our chests out.”

Owl Emma Bradford said: “That hedgehog can curl up all he wants, I’ve got a beak.”