Men queue at florists for reluctant displays of undying love

MEN across Britain have begun their grim annual duty of buying flowers.

Florists have reported being swamped by long queues of forlorn, awkward-looking men clutching £10 notes.

Tom Logan said: “This is the day I dread most when I have to make a modest, thoughtful gesture for the woman I love more than life itself.

“I’d climb any mountain, cross every sea for my wife, but I do I really have to stand here for half an hour to pay a tenner for something that’s  already dead?”

Florist Emma Bradford said: “You can see the love in their eyes, mixing with a healthy amount of fear and resentment.

“I like to drag them around the whole shop looking at hyacinths and freesias just to make the most of my power.”

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Women paid less because they are smaller, say businesses

WOMEN do not need salaries as high as men because there is less of them to pay, businesses have insisted.

Amid fresh revelations of a wide gender pay gap, firms have responded by publishing tables of high-earners’ impressive weight and height.

A CBI spokesman said: “Men – real men – eat more. They need bigger clothes, bigger cars, bigger houses.

“They have to replace their laptops and iPhones more often, because they crush them with their giant hands. And it takes twice as much to get them happily drunk on a Friday night.

“Is it seriously being suggested that tiny, dainty women, sipping their cups of tea in two hands like squirrels with nuts, should have the same pay as these magnificent giants?

“You wouldn’t give a Great Dane and a Yorkshire terrier the same size food bowls. I rest my case.”

Bond analyst Joanna Kramer said: “It’s long been an open secret in the City that pay is based on height, BMI and shoe size.

“I tried to put on a bit of weight to earn more, but they cut my salary to discourage me because they ‘didn’t want me being all fat and sad’.”