Middle-class drug abuse linked to Radio 2 'shout outs'

AN epidemic of anti-anxiety drug usage has been blamed on increasingly protracted ‘shout outs’ by callers to BBC Radio 2.

Mid-morning spikes in prescription drug consumption have been found to directly correlate with contestants requesting ‘a few hellos’ on Ken Bruce’s PopMaster.

Former accountant, Helen Archer, said “As a full-time mum, I often play Radio 2 to pep up my daily kitchen routine. But when PopMaster comes on, things start to unravel.

“The male contestants usually kick off by pinning the blame for their failed haulage businesses on all the times they’ve been unsuccessful at getting on PopMaster.

“If a woman is on, she simply weeps for the duration of the questions. I can usually get through it by screaming ‘Katrina and the Waves’ non-stop until it’s over, which also usually gets me at least six points.

“But then the losing contestant asks for his shout outs. And it’s usually during the long pause between ‘all the guys from the showroom’ and ‘my wife, Pat’ that I reach for the Xanax.”

A BBC spokesman said:  “We aim to combat this by vetting phone-ins so people only get to speak if they have a truly gripping celebrity story and notable list of hellos.

“So, for next week’s PopMaster we’ve pencilled in Abu Qatadar against Janet Jackson.

“Abu says he’s got a great story about the time he stayed at the same hotel as Matt Cardle, and they’ve both promised not to swear so people can really just sit back and relax.”



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Baby born to male mother still of absolutely no interest to anyone except family

A MAN has given birth to a baby, forcing his friends to pretend to be interested purely out of politeness.

Mother Tom Logan and his partner Roy Hobbs have been relentlessly banging on about their offspring since the birth, bombarding Facebook with photos and sending friends long-winded emails detailing the child’s uniquely curious nature.

However Stephen Malley, Logan’s former school mate, said: “Good on them, and I guess it is kind of unusual from a biological point of view but ultimately it’s still just someone else’s baby and as such about as fascinating as a loaf of bread.

“I suppose I’ll have to go and have a look at some point. What a thrill that afternoon will be, in the company of two utterly exhausted people and a little bald person who behaves like a drunkard.

“Sorry I mean ‘miracle of science and love’.”

He added: “That said, I’m quite interested in the weirder, David Cronenberg-esque aspects of the birth.”

Logan’s work colleague Emma Bradford said: “Although I am happy for them, maybe now’s the time to cool it with the constant baby updates.

She added: “Also I gave them a present for the baby and they responded with a thank-you note purporting to have been written by the child. You know, ‘thank you for my hat, I’m wearing it now and it looks adorable’, sort of thing.

“That’s not endearing, it’s just weird.”

The birth of Logan’s baby has, perhaps inevitably, triggered debate about the ethics of same-sex parenting.

Developmental psychologist Nikki Hollis said: “According to traditional gender roles, the main purpose of the father is to deliver really big bollockings when the mother is simply not being listened to.

“But with two male parents, the child is more likely to be allowed to do anything, however dangerous or ill-judged, if it means an ‘easy life’.”