Middle class families standing round unsolicited tabloid newspaper on doormat

MIDDLE class families have gathered around a tabloid newspaper that was put through their letter box without permission.

The families are staring at their free copy of The Sun, unsure what to do with it.

Matin Bishop, from Hatfield, told his wife and children: “Don’t touch it, I’m going to try and open it using this umbrella. Nice and easy, there we go. Now then…

“Lots of capital letters. Lots of words in bold. Big photographs. Short articles. And my goodness, what a lot of puns. Okay, right.

“Well, it’s not very nice but I don’t think it’s anything to be worried about. It’s just a newspaper for people who do not prioritise education in quite the same way as we do.”

Bishop added: “Emily, could you be a poppet, nip out to the garage and get my barbecue tongs and one of the green, heavy-duty binbags?”


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Britain hoping ‘spornosexual’ just goes away

BRITAIN is studiously ignoring the term ‘spornosexual’ in the hope that it won’t become a real thing.

The word, which refers to the kind of muscled voids who appear on reality TV, is currently trying to insinuate its way into the nation’s consciousness.

Sociologist Dr Mary Fisher said: “Concepts like ‘spornosexual’ are best compared to extra-dimensional monsters that feed on our belief.

“The more actual people use the term, the more hosts it is passed to, the more brains it consumes and the stronger it becomes.

“It happened with metrosexual but, perhaps having learned from their mistake, the British public refused to give ‘vajazzling’ headroom and it died like the transparent bullshit it was.”

Julian Cook, of Leatherhead, said: “I pretended I hadn’t seen it in the Telegraph. I blocked everyone using it ironically on Twitter.

“But then my mate Jason, drunk at a barbecue, started calling everyone spornosexual for a laugh and it managed to lodge itself in my mind.

“It’s in me now. I can feel if flexing about, waiting for its opportunity to strike.

“I have to die. It’s the only way to stop it.”