Middle class foodie who 'sources ingredients' actually just going to Tesco Express

A MIDDLE class man refers to his food shopping as ‘sourcing ingredients’ as opposed to ‘going to the shops’, it has emerged.

Julian Cook told friends he likes to ‘source his ingredients’ when cooking for a dinner party or a date.

Cook said: “I like to source the freshest vegetables, the finest turmeric and free range Weetabix. Because it’s all about provenance, I mainly use small local suppliers like Tesco Express and Lidl.”

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “All this shit about ‘sourcing’ did make him sound like an arse. But he was shopping for a date with someone who sounds like an arse too, so she’ll probably lap it up.”

Cook explained: “Like me, my date is a bit of a foodie, but also a fucking vegetarian.

“So, I did what any man would do and lied convincingly about my hatred of the meat industry and my passion for organic shitake mushrooms.

“If she sees the massive black pudding I’ve got in the fridge I’ll just say it’s vegan cheese.”

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'You moved slightly, so that means we're going for a walk' says ridiculously excited dog

A DOG is absurdly optimistic that his owner shifting slightly on the sofa means a long, exciting walk is imminent.

Border collie Brian has not given up hope – no matter how many times his owners are simply re-orgainsing their buttocks – that it will lead to a three-hour walk, possibly involving a stick and a mysterious adventure in a cave.

He said: “They’re moving. This is it this is it this is it – oh. No, just scratching their arse.

“Still, with that out of the way, I’m confident it’ll be well worth me jumping up like a nutter the next time, because I know I won’t be disappointed.

“I’d better make sure I’m ready because it really could be any minute now. In fact I think – yes – Yes! I’m up! It’s happening! This is going to be the walk of the century!

“Oh no. Scratching their arse again.”