Middle class grandparents demand ridiculous ‘original’ nicknames

A PAIR of middle class grandparents have confirmed that names like ‘granny’ and ‘grandad’ are too boring for people as unique and special as them.

Helen Archer and her husband Peter have told their family they are thrilled to be grandparents, but will not be answering to any traditional titles such as gran, nan or grampy.

Helen Archer said: “As a trendy, dynamic older woman I don’t want to be trailed by a child shouting something frumpy when all my other friends are being called interesting things like Whizzy and Gangnam.

“I would consider something that is popular abroad, like Abuela or Nonna, but I don’t really want people to think my daughter did it with a foreigner.

“I’m also interested in something that makes absolutely no sense but sounds cool, like Fancy or Peach.

“And as for Peter, I haven’t felt a twinge of attraction towards him since 1987, so having to call him grandpa would just add insult to injury. Maybe if he was renamed Bubba or Big Poppa it would get my juices flowing a bit.”

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Black pudding and haggis hybrid escapes from high security butchers

A THING that is both black pudding and haggis has escaped from a high security butcher’s shop.

The meat-based abomination, known by its creators as ‘the blaggis’ slithered over a barbed wire fence at Booker and Sons Butcher, a family-run business with a sideline in genetic experimentation.

Butcher Tom Booker said: “You are right to be scared. It was chained up pretty heavily in the basement but it somehow managed to gnaw through the shackles and then melt a lead wall.

It could be outside your window as we speak, though you would probably smell it.”

He added: “If you encounter it, lock all doors and windows and puff out your chest to look more threatening.

“However if you manage to run it over with a car I’d recommend slicing it into inch thick slices and frying it up, the flavour is surprisingly rich and moreish.”

A spokesperson for PETA said: “We’re pretty fine with you killing this thing.”