Middle class parents hire private tutor so they can show off about it

A MIDDLE class couple have hired a tutor for their kids as part of their status-obsessed ego trip.

The affluent Ryans, who are obsessed with home extensions and organic wine, are paying a graduate to do their kids’ homework and also so they can tell everyone they know about it.

Carolyn Ryan said: “Although we can’t afford actual servants a tutor is the next best thing.

“We were over the moon when our son’s teacher confirmed he was a lazy little sod, which justified the extra expense of private tuition.”

She added: “The thought of having ‘you can’t get the help these days’ type conversations in Waitrose when he fails his GCSEs for the third time makes my heart swell with excitement. “

Tutor Joseph Turner said: “I routinely sleep in until lunchtime, then google the set texts I’m supposed to know on the way to work in neighbourhoods where I can’t afford to live.

“So, yes, paying for a tutor is definitely worth it”.

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Come home now, England team told

THE England team have been told to leave the World Cup and return home as heroes before it all turns sour. 

After fluking a 2-1 win against Tunisia in extra time, the squad have been advised to return from Russia now while they can still technically be classified as heroes. 

England fan Wayne Hayes said: “Come on England. Don’t ruin it. 

“By withdrawing from the World Cup now, let’s say on moral grounds or some shit, we retain our unbeaten record and avoid our inevitable demoralising defeat to a nation we’ve convinced ourselves we should easily beat. 

“We’ve done really well against the team ranked 21st in the world. This is like winning in the final, to us. 

“Come on home, our brave boys, and we’ll give you an open-top bus parade.

“Honestly, we’re so proud. Don’t blow this by staying.”