BRITAIN’S attractive future queen could generate valuable revenue by offering discreet personal services, experts have claimed.
Financial gurus believe Britain’s record deficit could be slashed by nationalising Kate Middleton and hiring her out to distinguished, wealthy men of taste.
Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said “Some of these so-called ‘high class’ companions get £2,000 an hour for their friendship skills yet from their website pictures it seems most of them look like Zelda from Terrahawks.
“Kate’s very pretty and although she may be a little old, I’m sure a wealthy well-connected gentleman – step forward Mr Berlusconi – would pay something to the tune of £3,500 or even £3,750 for an evening of her personal attentions.
“The taxpayer would simply need to stump-up for a soulless flat in a quiet cul-de-sac near an airport and perhaps a few towels, as I believe is the custom with such things. But I do think both sides are getting a deal.”
He added: “Whatever takes place would be strictly between them. Kate could just bathe him or something.
“Silvio strikes me as the sort of man who likes to be cuddled while he cries. In this scenario Kate would not be acting as an ‘escort’ in the pejorative sense.
“Rather she would just be prostituting herself emotionally, whoring out her soul if you will, but without any actual intercourse.
“It’s just a very real, very practical way in which the monarchy can serve the nation in its time of strife.
“However we do need to seize this window of opportunity before she starts pumping out heirs.
“The prime minister of Italy likes it nice and tight.”