THE secret to lasting happiness is being left alone by people who think your mood is any of their business, it has emerged.
As Action for Happiness, a mass movement to improve general wellbeing, unveiled its list of 10 steps to contentment, researchers stressed that everyone would absolutely hate it and them.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “It includes things like ‘giving’, ‘relating’ and ‘exercising’. It says we should ‘appreciate’ local wildlife, set ‘goals’ for ourselves, learn ‘a language’.
“It does seem that they may have mistaken us for a bunch of fucking Blue Peter presenters. ‘Yeah, let’s all be really active, engaged, socially aware citizens’.
“Piss off, you freaks.”
Meanwhile, the Institute for Studies has compiled its own 10 Quick Steps to Easy Happiness:
So many options. With a chum, in a public lavatory. At home alone is nice too.
Have you seen Boardwalk Empire? It’s the balls.
Take time to appreciate the animal life around you and then eat it in a bun.
Impersonate their ridiculous accents and accuse them of bestiality.
5. Give up
Having a goal in life is stressful. And annoying. No-one cares if you’re ‘successful’ and neither should you.
The more you know about the world the more horrifying it becomes. Learn nothing and persecute the intelligent.
You’re brilliant and everyone else is an arse.
Be part of something bigger – like a club or society – and then rule it with an iron fist.
9. Just be, like, you know, happy
It may seem like a grotesque over-simplification, but it is better than being sad.
10. ‘Fuck off’
If you meet anyone who is a member of Action for Happiness, tell them to ‘fuck off’. You will feel fantastic.