Key to happiness is 'being left alone by happiness campaigners'

THE secret to lasting happiness is being left alone by people who think your mood is any of their business, it has emerged.

As Action for Happiness, a mass movement to improve general wellbeing, unveiled its list of 10 steps to contentment, researchers stressed that everyone would absolutely hate it and them.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “It includes things like ‘giving’, ‘relating’ and ‘exercising’. It says we should ‘appreciate’ local wildlife, set ‘goals’ for ourselves, learn ‘a language’.

“It does seem that they may have mistaken us for a bunch of fucking Blue Peter presenters. ‘Yeah, let’s all be really active, engaged, socially aware citizens’.

“Piss off, you freaks.”

Meanwhile, the Institute for Studies has compiled its own 10 Quick Steps to Easy Happiness:

So many options. With a chum, in a public lavatory. At home alone is nice too.

2. Television
Have you seen Boardwalk Empire? It’s the balls.

3. Meat
Take time to appreciate the animal life around you and then eat it in a bun.

4. Foreigners
Impersonate their ridiculous accents and accuse them of bestiality.

5. Give up
Having a goal in life is stressful. And annoying. No-one cares if you’re ‘successful’ and neither should you.

6.  Ignorance
The more you know about the world the more horrifying it becomes. Learn nothing and persecute the intelligent.

7. Smugness
You’re brilliant and everyone else is an arse.

8. Power
Be part of something bigger – like a club or society – and then rule it with an iron fist.

9. Just be, like, you know, happy
It may seem like a grotesque over-simplification, but it is better than being sad.

10. ‘Fuck off’
If you meet anyone who is a member of Action for Happiness, tell them to ‘fuck off’. You will feel fantastic.



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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Being an avid fan of shows like X
and Britain’s Got Talent, I’ve come to realise that anything
is possible and that we should all follow our dreams. With this in
mind, I might have lied slightly on my CV for a recent job interview,
and now I find myself as Director of Communications for a large
international company, in charge of a substantial budget and managing
a large team of personnel. Having only had one previous job working
in the warehouse at Asda, I’m starting to worry that I might have
bitten off more than I can chew. Do you think I should come clean, or
should I just give it a shot?

Dear Wendy,
Rather than aiming so high, you should
consider a career at my school as a dinner lady. The only
prerequisites for the position are that you need a face like a
slapped bottom, an inability to cook anything which isn’t yellow, and
an intense, burning hatred of children. Bear in mind that you’ll do
particularly well if you have a hacking cough and a limp and feel at
home in a grubby tabbard smeared with your own bogies. Based on the
activities of the dinner ladies at my school, most job satisfaction
is gained from serving noxious lumpy matter to helpless school
children with an enormous ladle, and standing idly by the bins
smoking menthol Superkings down to the filter while calling Jamie
Oliver the c-word. The only person more terrifying in my school than
the dinner ladies is Mrs Dodkins, the lollipop lady, who can stop
traffic with her evil finger. Anyway, if you’re a bitter old hag with
a foul temper and vendetta against anyone under sixteen then let me
know and I’ll put in a good word, otherwise just keep lying until you
get found out and then blame it all on a poor person .
Hope that helps!