Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Bundling the defenceless wives of an already-marginalised minority whose extremist wing have a penchant for blowing things up into the back of a police van? Clever stuff.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You realise you’re still not ready to discuss the AV referendum when you ask how it will affect the result of FHM’s 100 Hottest Birds.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Saying the serial killer storyline on a soap opera is unrealistic is fine. Getting out the scrapbook of ‘how you’d do it properly’ is why you don’t have any friends that you’ve actually met.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Grease is the word. So could you unhook the harness and go and get some?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’ve promised to stop brutalising the population of your country as soon as your contract runs out, so you’re flummoxed  as to why they’re still upset. Maybe shooting a few of them might make the rest believe you.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week a dream has a profound effect on you while a colleague encourages you to ‘think outside of the box’ resulting in you sending your company’s clients a photoshopped image of you having sex with your geography teacher’s car.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your life goes in two very different directions depending on whether you catch a train or not. In one you face a wretched existence keeping up two jobs to support your unfaithful boyfriend, in the other you end up having to watch a film with Gwyneth Paltrow in it directed by the wanker out of Bread.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Jupiter. Birmingham. £50. January. You know what I’m on about.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Can you tell your dad that Sandra is on holiday this week and no-one else is trained to use the vibrating egg? Cheers.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
People may wish to view your life so far as an endless litany of blinkered misanthropy, mistrust and relentless cynicism, but one thing they can’t accuse you of is being wrong.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Make sure you shred all your post before putting it in the bin. Wouldn’t want somebody stealing your identity and being refused credit.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Tell her that fiddly predictive text thing was the reason ‘love you loads’ came out as ‘you have sucked the joy from my soul’.


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Osborne unveils emergency sofa

CHANCELLOR George Osborne has released an utterly irresistible sofa in fawn leather with matching corner group.

Conquistador is a high quality corner group settee offering absurd levels of comfort that will match any colour scheme and even looks good outdoors, created by the state to restore appealingness to ailing shops.

It was designed by an elite team of furniture experts assembled under the banner of Operation Lamprey, a secret project to create something so lovely that reticent consumers will be unable to resist it.

Launching  Conquistador, Mr Osborne said: “In these challenging periods when even the bovine, stuff-hunger of the masses can no longer be relied upon, it becomes a government’s duty to step in with something absolutely sensational.”

Reclining on the settee, he added: “It’s the detail that really gets me. Look how robust the stitching is.

“And as for the accompanying pouffe. Well. It’s like having one’s feet suspended in the air by some sort of invisible hand.

“I’ve already bought a Conquistador for each room of my various homes and am looking forward to chilling out on it at the end of a long day, sipping a hot drink and reading an undemanding paperback while the cushions mould themselves to my contours.

“In the unlikely event that you don’t already want to buy one, our glorious high streets will degrade into smouldering pits whose only purpose is to host massive drunken brawls between unemployed men in bad shirts.”

Consumer Tom Logan said: “When you see a sweet-looking sofa like this, you realise that living within your means is completely untenable.

“Sign me up for whatever extortionate monthly price plan you so desire, and we’ll let the Samaritans do the emotional heavy lifting at a later date.”