MILF, and other compliments that aren't

SHE’S cute, you’re horny; why not throw in a compliment and see what happens? But never one of these: 

‘You’re a MILF’ 

If you wish to reaffirm the allure of a lady of slightly more mature vintage, this phrase will spring to mind. It is, however, unsuitable. Any reference to age at all, even in a positive sense, is likely to be receieved badly. You could add that the MILFs in porn are often played by 24-year-olds, but that means yelling about your wanking habits in a nightclub.

‘I can’t believe you’re [your age]’ 

At first pleasant, but the reminder that the human body inevitably succumbs to the ravages of time and that you’re holding them off better than most for now will come back to you. If the encounter progresses they’ll be expecting you to assign an age to each body part, like an archaeologist.

‘Wow, you’ve lost weight’ 

The ‘wow’ is what does it. Whether amazement that you can be attractive or amazement that one person can lose so much body fat and still be fat, it’s a compliment that keeps on hurting. Might as well go all the way and ask ‘So is this it? Or are you planning to do something about your enormous arse?’

‘I love your curves’ 

What, all of them? And is this just a general erotic fixation with parabolas or are you specifically keen on a particular curved area, usually the boobs? You do realise pretty much all women are curved, except in Lego?

‘You’re so brave’ 

Unless you’ve just taken a Nazi gun emplacement under heavy fire, this is suspect. Usually delivered without any context before the complimenter turns and walks away, for maximum impact, sparking a fierce bout of over-analysis.

Can you deal with your marital problems like Will and Jada Pinkett Smith?

THE marriage of Hollywood’s first couple is in a deep healing space. Can you deal with your marital challenges with their same radical understanding? 

Your wife no longer wishes to live in the same house as you. How do you handle it? 

A) Say ‘what, so we’re splitting up?’ like a peasant who associates co-habitation with a healthy relationship and has only one house
B) Agree without qualm, believing this will only make your life partnership stronger, adding ‘it feels so good to get into this space where we’re together forever’

Your wife is in an entanglement with another man. How do you react? 

A) Confront her, reminding her of your wedding vows of fidelity, candidly admitting that you’re unsure the bonds between you can survive this betrayal
B) Accept her explanation that ‘it was really just a joy to help heal someone’ and reaffirm your unconditional love for one another

A man has made a joke about your wife’s hair during an award dinner. What do you do? 

A) Glower, comfort your wife if she is upset and decline to attend the Carpet Design Awards again unless they hire a less contentious host
B) Leap up, slap the motherf**ker right there on stage, then return to your seat, accept an award, and explain ‘violence is poisonous and destructive’ the next day

Your son has turned out to be an arsehole. What do you tell him? 

A) Explain gently that nobody likes an arsehole, especially not one in an all-white Batman outfit at a wedding, and he should change his behaviour accordingly
B) Support him entirely even though he sued you to move out when he was 15, moved out in 2017 and has done nothing but release shit albums ever since

Your wife has a book to sell. How can you support her? 

A) Tell her to put it on eBay at Sunday teatime when people are bored then they’ll bid higher, while adding books aren’t worth much anyway so a charity shop might be better
B) Allow her to detail every secret of your marriage and claim you are both ‘on a spiritual journey to cleanse the poisonous, unloving parts of our hearts’

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Oh dear. Your marriage is mundane, riven with jealousy and convention, and afraid to embrace new forms of ‘relational perfection’. You have let yourself down.

Mostly Bs: Congratulations! Your marriage ‘illuminates the need to discuss the relationship between trust and love and how they co-exist’. Do you have sex often?