Colleague making self-deprecating jokes about shit life leaving everyone uncomfortable

A WORK colleague has silenced the office with self-deprecating jokes about his lonely, miserable life that are far too close to the truth. 

Stephen Malley, aged 46, who lives alone but for a bearded dragon, makes himself the target of jokes he intends to be be ironic but which everyone is well aware are accurate.

He said: “What did I do this weekend? Sat in my boxers watching PornHub because my girlfriend left me for a mate that I introduced her to. Pathetic, right?

“Don’t worry, I always seek out actors who look like her so I can relive when my life had meaning! Does that makes me a piece of shit, or someone with no dignity? Ding ding ding, both are correct!

“I was going to see my grandmother, try and con her out of a bit of her pension, but she cancelled because I’m her ‘worst disappointment’. Still, nature over nurture, my cousin’s a successful heart surgeon!”

Junior colleague Jack Browne said: “I laughed at first. Then I found out it was all true. Now I pretend to laugh to hide that it makes me want to cry.

“I considered writing an email to HR but what would I say? ‘Stephen’s life is so depressing it’s damaging my productivity’? Actually I might write that.”

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Penis latest victim of shrinkflation

A PENIS feeling the effects of colder weather is the latest victim of shrinkflation, it has emerged.

Tom Booker’s shrivelled reproductive organ currently measures up at just two-and-a-half inches, contradicting his wife’s fond memories that it used to be much bigger and more satisfying.

Mary Booker said: “I swear it used to be longer than the palm of my hand, even during especially cold winters. This is Toblerone levels of shrinkage.

“Back in the good old days you could clearly make out its proud, prominent bulge rising majestically through his jeans. It was tempting. Now it’s all withered and the balls are scrunched up and you’re disappointed before it’s even unwrapped.

“Tom assures me it’s only due to the cold and he’s a grower not a shower. There’s only so much growing you can do when that’s your starting point. Two bites and it’s gone.

“Sadly it seems Tom’s cock has been consigned to the scrapheap of nostalgia, joining the likes of Quality Street tins, multipack crisps, and other things that were once enjoyably massive but are now disappointingly small. I’ll start a retro Facebook page about it.”

Booker said: “We’re never going back to the days of the King Size Mars Bar. Mary needs to accept that.”