Woman unable to snack because stupid boyfriend 'not hungry'

A MAN asked by his girlfriend if he was hungry has failed to give the right answer, leaving her unable to get a snack without looking like a greedy bitch. 

Lucy Parry, aged 26, made the inquiry of boyfriend Ryan Whittaker in expectation he would say yes so she could bring food and eat most of it.

But instead he rebuffed her advances, selfishly listening only to his own stomach, meaning Lucy is unable to get a packet of salt and vinegar McCoys that is only yards away.

She said: “He knows what ‘are you hungry’ means. Just like he knows what ‘fancy a drink’ on a worknight and ‘are you asleep?’ in bed mean. He chose not to.

“I’m not asking him to lie. There are a wide range of responses. Anything from ‘I could eat’ to ‘what you thinking?’ would have been acceptable. But he went ‘nah’ and stared at his phone. The inhumanity.

“What choice have I got now? But to forego the Haribo for an endless 20 minutes before I finally expire? Perhaps if I catch his eye as I’m blacking out, he’ll agree to split some chips with me.”

Ryan said: “Why does she need me to eat? If I’m hungry, I simply order a pizza, wings, fries, onion rings, garlic bread, and doughnuts, and eat crisps until they arrive.”

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Is Britain so woke I can no longer dangle my cock in someone's face? By Peter Bone MP

A PRETTY pass we’ve come to when dangling your penis and scrotal sac in an underling’s face is considered ‘abnormal’. This woke tyranny must be ended once and for all.

It seems our bulldog race, which saw off Nazi Germany and the EU, is too sensitive for a spot of perfectly normal genital horseplay between an MP and a member of their staff. And also, humorously calling them thick while hitting them in the head is a ‘microaggression’.

In saner times MPs themselves would only investigate serious accusations against their peers, such as murdering one’s pregnant housekeeper, then take circumstances and wealth into account and let them off.

Today I find myself pilloried for the chastisement of a wretch who would not give me so much as a massage. The rot began with universal suffrage, and now you can’t sleep with a younger male staff member in a twin room on a trip to Madrid without him making a fuss.

Why am I being hounded? Because I proposed, with great compassion, making the August bank holiday Margaret Thatcher Day. And the liberal elite, led by Britain’s archenemy Michel Barnier, determined to destroy me.

They planted fake stories about me in the malleable mind of an employee, one who I treated no worse than an indentured slave, and suddenly in 2015 he claims he has been ‘abused’ even though all this was normal then.

We truly have seen our Brexit taken from us when we’re terrified of seeing the phallus of a hardworking, patriotic MP who only slightly resembles Dracula. Did the men who stormed Gold and Sword beaches on D-Day engage in penile tomfoolery after giving Jerry a hiding? I like to think so.

If I am forced to stand again in a by-election I am confident my constituents will not be swayed by these trivial accusations. Brexiters are simple, honest folk of few syllables, and will choose my flaccid, veiny cock over wokeness any day.