Millions lucky enough to spend Christmas Day alone

SEVERAL million fortunate individuals will be enjoying peaceful solitude on Christmas Day, it has emerged.

As the season of compulsory family fun approaches, there is increasing jealously towards those who do not have relatives or have managed to ostracise them.

Plumber Stephen Malley said: “I was married with three kids but I faked my own death in a hovercraft accident just to avoid Christmas with my wife’s parents.

“I shall be watching war films in bed at just about the time my father-in-law usually starts being racist.”

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, said: “My niece insists on coming over but I make her leave the presents outside.

“Usually she says ‘Merry Christmas’ through the letterbox, to which I reply, ‘Go away, I’ve got a harpoon gun’.”

However 83-year-old Emma Bradford has found her family unavoidable: “They come and get me, manhandle me into a car.

“My son’s wife – I just call her ‘she’ or ‘that woman’ – shouts in my face and gives me a box of lavender soap, which I feed to their dog.”